Thinking Eternity

Shortly after Christopher’s death, my husband and I were blessed to take a trip to Alaska.  The scenery was breathtaking! It was a much needed reconnect time with the hubs.  (Hubs is a name I fondly use to refer to my husband, my partner in crime and my soulmate, Blake).  I had taken the trip years back but was excited to share the experience and beauty with him.  The reality was that everywhere I turned all I could think of was “Christopher would love this.  I wish he were still here to experience it with me.”  About half way through our trip, Blake and I were standing in awe of God on top of a glacier.  It was like breathing in heaven.  The contrast between the ice and rock formations and lush greenery was drastic.  The ice rivers were crystal clear and the ice radiated beautiful jewel tone blues.  I stepped away from the group and took a moment to thank God for his majesty and the opportunity to witness it and again I thought “Christopher would love this.  I wish he were here to experience it with me.”  Tears streamed down my face and in that moment, God whispered, “Chrissy, don’t you think that Chris is thinking the same thing? Don’t you think he is saying “Momma, I wish you could see this!  I wish you were here to experience heaven with me!”  I could see that goofy grin and hear him laugh and say “Really mom?  You want me to swap my view and experience here in heaven to come hang out with you on that thing that looks like an ice cube from here?” Then I remembered the scriptures that so vividly describe heaven.

Revelations chapter four says: After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.  In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying:

“‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.”

Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:

 “You are worthy, our Lord and God,
    to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
    and by your will they were created
    and have their being.”

I couldn’t help but laugh to myself thinking “there is no way Chris would trade his perspective of the Kingdom of God for mine.” Jasper, ruby, emerald, gold.  Thunder and lightening and seas of glass.  The sound of praise echoing through the universe.  Peace that passes understand washed over me.  The yearning for Chris to experience this earthly life with me dissipated.  God reminded me that Chris could not get any closer to the father than he currently is until the return of Christ.  He is now able to experience his relationship with Christ without the weight of sin for eternity.  

There is nothing more a mother could want for her child than for that child to be healthy, happy and whole.  We strive from their birth to protect them from the evil of this world even through we know deep down we can not protect them.  Only God can.  We selfishly want to witness all the good this life has for our children, yet we pray fiercely that God would protect them from all of the bad.  All of which is temporary.  Who am I that God loves Christopher and me so much that he would receive him into heaven at the “early” age of 25 years old.  I am so humbled that He chose my first born son to spare from the ugliness of this world and our own sin nature.  Yes, my heart is broken for his son, myself and all the others that are experiencing the pain of his loss. Chris was alive in Christ in the flesh having been saved by grace, but now, not only is he alive in Christ, his earthly body is dead to sin.  He is able to worship at the feet of Jesus without the restless pull of sin in his life.  What freedom for him!  This momma’s heart is jealous but also has 100% confidence and security that her first born child is healthy, happy and whole.

Father, I lift up all those parents that are hurting from the loss of a child. May the truths of your kingdom and the promise of eternity bring them peace that passes understanding and turn their mourning into joy.  In Jesus Name! 

My World Went Dark…

Today marks the 6th anniversary of the day my world went dark.  You would be 32 this year.  Your baby boy will turn 7 in ten days.

The day you were born was filled with hope and joy.  Hope for my future at the young age of 18 and hope for yours.  I held you, my first born baby, and immediately I knew I would never know another love like yours.  Just like I will never know another love like your brothers in the moment I held each one of them.  You settled me.  You became an extension of me.

So wise and so very funny.  You were the voice of reason for your brothers and I, and the voice of risks as well.  You lived life wide open.  You loved the unloved. You stood up for the bullied and stood in the ditch with the homeless.  Your love never saw race, religion, or gender.  Your love only looked at the heart.  You were fiercely loyal to your friends even if their selfishness prevented them from reciprocating.

My world went dark March 21, 2016.  I can feel the anxiety and panic in the air as it rises up in my body.  I vacillated between knowing something was terribly wrong and hope.  

It is as if that day is now in slow motion.  The ring of the phone. Confusion, panic, trying to call you, trying to call anyone who might know where you were. Running over to your house, beating on the door….a glimmer of hope when a friend said you checked into your class at school.

I stood in your yard as the officer pulled slowly through our gate and crept down the drive.  I held my breath.  The car door opened, the officer stepped out.  His mouth was moving, but all I could hear as I dropped to the ground was the eerie wails of a dying animal.  I did not realize the gutteral sound shattering the silence was my own.  The smell of dirt was powerful mixed with tears and snot.

Numb, unable to put a thought together or remember where I put my glasses, looking for my phone while I was talking on it, moving from one piece of furniture to another, lack of desire to live, anger, exhaustion, confusion, my yes’ always looking like good intentions with a cancelation on the end.

It was as if those joyful, sometimes sad, sometimes hard, sometimes not, pieces of our family collided with an oversized fat cat that jumped in the middle of the table and turned it over destroying our family puzzle and spilling it all over the floor.  The violence of the fall reverberated through every inch of my being.

I would wake in the morning praying it was all a bad dream, then I would see the pieces of that puzzle scattered all over the floor.  Debilitating pain would sear my body as my mind reminded my heart the puzzle would never be able to be put together again.  

I could not imagine that there would ever be another puzzle.  I knew the pieces that were left would never ever fill the space of the piece of you but I had no idea, even in grief, it would reshape itself.  Some pieces fell away and new pieces were added.

I ache to hold you.  My tears still spill unexpectedly.  The memories I was so scared I would lose after your death are in vivid color.  I can hear your laugh, your sarcasm, your disgust.  I can see you making faces back at yourself in every mirror you encounter.  I see you in your baby.  He is a Mimi and a Momma’s baby just like you were.  He loves to read, play games and fact checks me often. 

I never knew a heart could break and experience great joy all in the same space until you went home to be with Jesus. I desperately wish you were still here in the middle of all the moments, but I am not sure I would ask you to come back if I could, unless, of course, it was for Jackson and Lauryn’s sake.  I am positive if I did you would laugh that big ole laugh like I had lost my mind.

I know you're whole and living your best life in heaven.  I am thankful for the promise of heaven and that I will see you again.  

I miss you son.

In memory of the first son to ever hear my heartbeat.

Christopher Parrish Barrow

Love,

Mom

When Life Doesn't Feel Abundant

Yesterday, during my morning quiet time I found myself writing a love letter to God.  As I opened my journal this morning, this sentence jumped out at me.

“God, your word says you will pour out in abundance over me.”

It has been almost three and a half years in this season of our life, and it sure has not felt like abundance. It has felt more like deception and greed stacked on top of an earth-shattering journey of loss and grief.  Oh how deep the arrow penetrates the soul when the instigators of the hellish vortex you find yourself in comes cloaked in Christianity, friendship, and even those you love. No time to grieve as flaming arrows fly your way. Your bones ache and your heart is shredded. It lays at your feet in a bloody mess. You can only muster enough energy to take up the shield of faith. (Ephesians 6:16). Your words are replaced with groans as your knees buckle and the tears pour down your face.

This is not a bad position to be in because it forces us into full surrender and removes us from interfering in the battle. Like God told King Jehoshaphat, the battle is not yours, but God’s. (2 Chronicles 20:15) There is nothing like death that brings the full sovereignty of God into focus. The beauty of not having the energy to fight the battle and the beauty of full surrender is that it opens the flood gates of heaven, pouring forth an abundance of grace, hope, blessings and restoration. Sweet friend, I am in no way minimizing how painful this season is for you. I know it feels as if your are being branded with a hot iron on delicate parts of your flesh. I know the smell and stench makes your eyes and nose water. I know you feel like you there is no going forward. I know some of you frankly wish you too could die. I have been there. In many ways I am still there.

Does any of this sound like the season of life you may be waking through?  Loss, disappointment, deception, greed, disillusionment, depression? Do you see your lifeless body laying on the floor of your bathroom, slick with snot and wondering if you will very be able to get up again?  The vision of abundance not even in your bucket of hope. Those hope things buried in hurt.

There are so many areas of our life that Satan lays in wait to pounce in these seasons (1 Peter 5:8) and he will use those whose hearts are willing to carry out his destruction. We must stay prayed up and walking in the spirit so that we do not fall prey to the schemes of the devil and cause great hurt and destruction in other people’s lives. We must stay prayed up so that when the attack comes and we do not have the energy, our heart, mind and soul will be trained to take up our shield of faith. We are fighting against forces and authorities and against rulers of darkness and powers of the spiritual world. (Ephesians 6:12). 

Friends, I still don’t know from one day to the next if I have the strength to rise for the day or even for five minutes. I have days, even weeks I don’t get out of my pj’s unless it is absolutely necessary. I don’t have all the answers and I struggle daily to walk upright and in surrender especially when my river of hurt has washed me out to the depths of the seas and I am gasping for breath just to survive.

Abundance has not been at the forefront of my mind this season. My struggle to merely exist has been my focus. As God’s word is true, my story is living testimony to the fact that: We have walked through fire and water, but he has brought us to a place of abundance. (Psalm 66:12) What others intended for harm, he has used for his glory to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  (Genesis 50:20) He has gone before us, he has never left us or forsaken us. (Deuteronomy 31:8). He has made a way in the sea, and a path in mighty waters.   He has brought forth new things and he continues to make a way in the wilderness and bring forth rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:16,19) He has preserved our life and kept our feet from slipping. (Psalm 66:9) He wants to do this for you too sweet friend. He sees you. He is working it all out for your good. Will you rest in that promise?

These pictures show merely a glimpse of the abundant blessings God has poured out on me and our family. These are the messes that fill my heart. These are the messes that make me realize that even in the hard times, God has chosen to bless us abundantly.  These are the messes that remind me of a God who is full of grace and desires the best for his children. These are the messes that have taught me to Embrace The Mess. I bet if you look closely in your own season of struggle you will find places that God has blessed you abundantly too, even in the in the midst of your mess.

With Love,

Chrissy

Sea Glass

Ron,

August 14, 2019 marked eight years since you went to be with Jesus. Wow! There has been so much life lived between your death and that anniversary. They say time marches on and I guess that is true, but a piece of my heart died that day too. How could it not? You were one of the most beautiful pieces of sea glass that God has ever blessed me with. An unexpected treasure revealed at a time when the ocean receded in my life to give me rest from its battering waves.

There is so much I want to tell you. There is so much I need to tell you. Since you died, I have learned to live with my head in heaven and my feet on the ground. It is not a bad prespective, just a very painful journey.
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.“ Colossians 3:1-2 This scripture seeped even deeper into my soul when Chris died. I am grateful for a deeper understanding of this scripture, I just wish it was not the loss of one of my babies that made it really come alive in my life. When one of your babies lives in heaven, there your thoughts and heart live also.

I still miss you. I still miss your laugh. I still miss your wisdom. You taught me that marriage could be good. Do you remember how many years I fought you on that? I could not believe that a man of your integrity, a man who never once let us down, existed, much less would love me so much he would be willing to love my boys as his own. Not to mention, you were so much older than I was, what could you possibly see in me? You were at a place in your life where you had raised your kid. You were beginning the years of enjoying your grandchildren and retirement. Why in the world would you want to take on me and a house full of young boys again? But you did and with great joy. I knew you were older than me, but by the time I realized how much, it was too late. You aged well my love. My heart was yours, but I still dug my heels in when it came to marriage and again when you asked me to quit my job so we had more time to spend together. It took a couple of years of dating to change my mind. A couple of years that you never wavered. A couple of years that you waited patiently for me to work through my trust issues and realize I could trust you. Thank you for never giving up on me. You always kept your word. You were always concerned about our well being and taking care of us. You wanted to show the boys and I the world. What wonderful memories we have from those adventures. Memories that will last a life-time.

Your unconditional love for us led me a little closer to the cross as you loved me as Christ loved the church. You probably would not understand or you would say you just did want a man is supposed to do, but your love for me and my boys strengthened my trust in Christ.

You continually worried about what would happen to us when it was your time to go. You did not want me to be alone. You wanted someone to love and cherish me the way you always did. Well, I found him. Actually, I think you found him for me. I remember you telling me what a great man he was. How you appreciated how he conducted his business with honesty and integrity. Lord knows, you could be a challenge to deal with when it came to business. After you died, I could not trust myself to choose wisely, but I knew I could trust you. So I took a chance, and I have to admit, unbeknownst to him, I vetted him among a few of your Delt Brothers. You would have been so proud of me. You loved your Delt Brothers more than your own life and I knew they would be honest with me and that they had my best interest at heart. They loved me because they loved you. Well, you were right and so were they. He is a really good man and he loves us well. I am humbled that God saw fit to bless me twice. That is what you would always say to me, but I never really understood it until I was forced to walk in your shoes.

Remember that saying you frequently used? "No good deed goes unpunished". I guess with your desire to give and love others well, you probably knew this better than most, but I just thought you were being a little cynical. Your personal success and your marriage to me was a breeding ground for others greed and selfishness. Unfortunately, the boys and I experienced a double knockout after Chris’ death. What a season of heart ache it has been. You would be as shocked as I was at some of the those that delivered the punches. Or maybe you wouldn’t have. You were always a really good read of people. You would be relieved and happy to know that even though you couldn’t protect us this time, God did. He knew and he loves us even more than you did, if you can imagine that. Not only that, but he gave us Blake who has stood firm beside us and held us up and together through it all.

You had such a heart for others. It was one of the many things I loved about you. I remember sitting in the Red Hut in Lake Tahoe and a lady introduced herself to me and told me how you helped her daughter get her degree at Trinity University in San Antonio. Her daughter had graduated and was teaching at the time in Mexico, paying it forward, Her mom told me she had been waitressing there for years and was a single mom (a stranger to you) and that if it had not been for you, she did not know how would have ever been able to send her daughter to college, much less Trinity. That is just one of the one hundred million examples of your generosity. I think I am aware of most, but I bet there are more out there I am not aware of.

You already know that Chris is in heaven now. I’m sure he was so happy to see you. He loved you and admired you so very much. He was set to graduate from Sam Houston in December of 2016 but we lost him in March of that year. I received a call from Dean Mitchell Muehsam after his death. Mitch has always been a great friend. He is such an upstanding, authentic man who fights hard for his students , Alumni and friends. He is a man you and I both greatly admire. He called to say he had been working on getting permission from the proper chain of authority to award Chris his Business degree posthumously. I remember falling to my knees in a puddle of gratitude tears. It would be the first posthumous degree awarded at Sam Houston State University. In May 2017, I received one of the greatest gifts I have ever, to this day, been given since Chris’ death. Chris’ memory was honored as I was walked the stage at Sam Houston State University and was presented with his diploma. The standing ovation when his name was called made my heart soar and shatter all in the same moment. Guess what else! This day fell on Mother’s Day. Can you imagine the emotions? The joy. The ache of my heart. I was so humbled by Mitch’s kindness and thoughtfulness. Mitch, President Dana Hoyt, The Board of The College of Business Administration and The Board of Regents will never know what this meant to my shredded mother’s heart. I don’t think I ever properly thanked them, but their gift of kindness will never be forgotten. Getting his degree was definitely a journey for Chris. You fought hard for him and showed up every single time to support him as he struggled through his young adult years. I remember you insisting on being taken to the court house when he had a court hearing. You were so sick, but you would not hear of not being there to support him. We loaded up the wheel chair and oxygen and headed to town. My heart sunk as the victims advocate shuffled you around the room with no regard for your struggle just to take your next breath, but she was determined to show her authority. You never complained. You never caused a scene. You were so good to him.

Chris’ baby is 4 now and he has many, many questions about his dad, heaven and death. Boy is he smart and wise. I’m not sure even you could answer some of this thought provoking questions without google. I can hear your laugh sometimes when he asks me a question because I know those questions would make you belly laugh. Since I lost my own dad at a very young age, I feel like God has given me some insight into the questions and struggles that will arise from the loss of his dad. Having seen Jesus face to face, I know you would be reminding me that the most important thing we can give him is Jesus so that he will see his dad again one day. Without Jesus, we both know, they will never meet again. That is a tough pill to swallow, but I am leaning in and standing firm on the promises of God. I know my grandchildren have been set aside and sanctified for the Kingdom of God. “For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” Hebrews 10:14. I can’t wait until you get to meet them. Oh what joy!

You would be so proud of Stephen. You always were. He loved you like his own dad. It has been hard to see the void that was left in his life when you died. He watched your every move and learned so much from you. He wanted to be his own boss just like you and guess what!!! He made it!! He has a beautiful wife that you would absolutely adore and two beautiful children. His baby boy is so kind and his laugh is absolutely contagious. That little girl of his is a boldy. She is going to give her mommy and daddy a run for their money. No doubt you would get a kick out of that. She would have you wrapped around her finger in seconds. Stephen is an awesome dad and husband. Thank you for leading us by example. I know you would expect nothing less from him.

Dylan is FINALLY thriving. Remember that little pain in the butt kid that was determined to just be a mouthy brat to you sometimes. I know you would be telling me “I told you he would come around in time.” Then you would launch into the memories of Rocky’s mouth and his mullet hair cut and remind me that he turned out to be a fabulous man and Dylan would too. You would be extremely proud of Dylan. He has a great job he loves and is definitely a natural salesman and people person. Your death shook him to his core, it shook all of us to the core, and it has taken a very long time for him to come to grips with it, but I see growth from the pain. By the grace of God. Unfortunately, before any of us had time to process it all, we lost Chris.

When I remarried, I inherited another fabulous Daughter In Love, Son and Daughter plus a few more grands. My heart is FULL. I am looking forward to more grand babies in the future. God’s word says “Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the aged”. Proverbs 17:6. The stones in my crown look like shimmering sea glass. A beautiful reflection of the son.

These things I shared today with you are just a glimpse of all the radiant sea glass God revealed when the waves of sorrow and loss crashed over our head and swept our lives and hearts out to sea. These eight years have been a raging sea. The waves just never seems to get any smaller or less fierce. The beauty has been that as the sand has shifted under our feet and life has felt so raw, the sting of the salt water searing, God has used those waves to remove some oil slicks from our lives. He has removed pieces of plastic that presented themselves as glass. He has used those waves to polish up the sea glass he had already placed in our lives and he has used those waves to reveal new sea glass in our lives. God uses the wind, waves and sand in our life to bring beauty from our broken glass. When I think of sea glass with the sun sparkling off of it, I think of the beautiful colors of all the precious stones in heaven. I think of you. I think of Chris.

Until we meet again…

Love,

Blue Eyes

90 Seconds and a Wig Adjustment

Don’t you wish that is all it took…90 seconds and a wig adjustment to get our life together? Throw in a tube of super glue so we can attempt to glue some of those broken pieces back together and we could show up at the Oscar’s and win all the awards for having our life together. Always the princess captivated and protected by her prince who wards off all that could shatter our world.

That might win us best actress, but is it your reality?

I wish I could tell you that this fairy tale is in more than cinematic color. I wish I could tell you that you have not been shattered by the loss of someone you love deeply, betrayed by those you trusted, encountered unmet expectations, lost your job, struggled to keep your broken marriage together, received a devastating medical loss or walked the road of addiction with a loved one. I wish I could tell you it was a dream and when the credits run you are going to go back to that life you left at the theater doors.

That just is not my reality and probably not your reality either.

So I spin…I spin as tears roll down my face and sweat puddles on the floor. I spin as I wonder if I will make it through the day. I spin as I wonder if this heart will ever mend. I spin hoping I can get my life together in those 90 seconds.

As I envision myself crossing the finish line at the gate of heaven, the Holy Spirit whispers hope in my ear. I am reminded that just like that hill climb that tears down the muscles in my body so they can be built back up stronger with more endurance, God is using my broken, shattered life to build me up stronger and with more endurance to run the race he has set before me. Hebrews 12:1-2

Our shattered heart and shattered lives bring us to a place of surrender that nothing else can. “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:8-9.

I can say this with assurance, as I have walked the road of hurt you are experiencing and in so many areas of my life, I am still walking this road. I can wail, weep and pray with you at the gravesite of your child, husband, extended family member or friend. I can sit with you in your unmet expectations, loss of hope, loss of relationships, wayward children. I can feel your anguish and confusion as you cry out to God when you are betrayed by those you love.

I can also stand tall in that puddle of my own tears and sweat and declare that God WILL bring glory from your suffering and deep hurt. I encourage you to stand firm in faith and God’s truths even when (especially when) all you can see are the boulders in front of you on that mountain. When your legs and lungs burn and you don’t think you can take one more step. “God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come..” Colossians 1:11

So get up off that couch sister and spin! Spin all those truths of God into your heart and climb while the tears roll down your face. Climb higher even when you don’t think you will ever catch your breath again. Drop those tears and sweat at the feet of Jesus and let him restore your heart to joy. Let him mend your broken heart and dreams. Spin even when you know it will take much longer than 90 seconds to get your life together and adjust your wig. For “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelations 21:5