My World Went Dark…

Today marks the 6th anniversary of the day my world went dark.  You would be 32 this year.  Your baby boy will turn 7 in ten days.

The day you were born was filled with hope and joy.  Hope for my future at the young age of 18 and hope for yours.  I held you, my first born baby, and immediately I knew I would never know another love like yours.  Just like I will never know another love like your brothers in the moment I held each one of them.  You settled me.  You became an extension of me.

So wise and so very funny.  You were the voice of reason for your brothers and I, and the voice of risks as well.  You lived life wide open.  You loved the unloved. You stood up for the bullied and stood in the ditch with the homeless.  Your love never saw race, religion, or gender.  Your love only looked at the heart.  You were fiercely loyal to your friends even if their selfishness prevented them from reciprocating.

My world went dark March 21, 2016.  I can feel the anxiety and panic in the air as it rises up in my body.  I vacillated between knowing something was terribly wrong and hope.  

It is as if that day is now in slow motion.  The ring of the phone. Confusion, panic, trying to call you, trying to call anyone who might know where you were. Running over to your house, beating on the door….a glimmer of hope when a friend said you checked into your class at school.

I stood in your yard as the officer pulled slowly through our gate and crept down the drive.  I held my breath.  The car door opened, the officer stepped out.  His mouth was moving, but all I could hear as I dropped to the ground was the eerie wails of a dying animal.  I did not realize the gutteral sound shattering the silence was my own.  The smell of dirt was powerful mixed with tears and snot.

Numb, unable to put a thought together or remember where I put my glasses, looking for my phone while I was talking on it, moving from one piece of furniture to another, lack of desire to live, anger, exhaustion, confusion, my yes’ always looking like good intentions with a cancelation on the end.

It was as if those joyful, sometimes sad, sometimes hard, sometimes not, pieces of our family collided with an oversized fat cat that jumped in the middle of the table and turned it over destroying our family puzzle and spilling it all over the floor.  The violence of the fall reverberated through every inch of my being.

I would wake in the morning praying it was all a bad dream, then I would see the pieces of that puzzle scattered all over the floor.  Debilitating pain would sear my body as my mind reminded my heart the puzzle would never be able to be put together again.  

I could not imagine that there would ever be another puzzle.  I knew the pieces that were left would never ever fill the space of the piece of you but I had no idea, even in grief, it would reshape itself.  Some pieces fell away and new pieces were added.

I ache to hold you.  My tears still spill unexpectedly.  The memories I was so scared I would lose after your death are in vivid color.  I can hear your laugh, your sarcasm, your disgust.  I can see you making faces back at yourself in every mirror you encounter.  I see you in your baby.  He is a Mimi and a Momma’s baby just like you were.  He loves to read, play games and fact checks me often. 

I never knew a heart could break and experience great joy all in the same space until you went home to be with Jesus. I desperately wish you were still here in the middle of all the moments, but I am not sure I would ask you to come back if I could, unless, of course, it was for Jackson and Lauryn’s sake.  I am positive if I did you would laugh that big ole laugh like I had lost my mind.

I know you're whole and living your best life in heaven.  I am thankful for the promise of heaven and that I will see you again.  

I miss you son.

In memory of the first son to ever hear my heartbeat.

Christopher Parrish Barrow

Love,

Mom

When Life Doesn't Feel Abundant

Yesterday, during my morning quiet time I found myself writing a love letter to God.  As I opened my journal this morning, this sentence jumped out at me.

“God, your word says you will pour out in abundance over me.”

It has been almost three and a half years in this season of our life, and it sure has not felt like abundance. It has felt more like deception and greed stacked on top of an earth-shattering journey of loss and grief.  Oh how deep the arrow penetrates the soul when the instigators of the hellish vortex you find yourself in comes cloaked in Christianity, friendship, and even those you love. No time to grieve as flaming arrows fly your way. Your bones ache and your heart is shredded. It lays at your feet in a bloody mess. You can only muster enough energy to take up the shield of faith. (Ephesians 6:16). Your words are replaced with groans as your knees buckle and the tears pour down your face.

This is not a bad position to be in because it forces us into full surrender and removes us from interfering in the battle. Like God told King Jehoshaphat, the battle is not yours, but God’s. (2 Chronicles 20:15) There is nothing like death that brings the full sovereignty of God into focus. The beauty of not having the energy to fight the battle and the beauty of full surrender is that it opens the flood gates of heaven, pouring forth an abundance of grace, hope, blessings and restoration. Sweet friend, I am in no way minimizing how painful this season is for you. I know it feels as if your are being branded with a hot iron on delicate parts of your flesh. I know the smell and stench makes your eyes and nose water. I know you feel like you there is no going forward. I know some of you frankly wish you too could die. I have been there. In many ways I am still there.

Does any of this sound like the season of life you may be waking through?  Loss, disappointment, deception, greed, disillusionment, depression? Do you see your lifeless body laying on the floor of your bathroom, slick with snot and wondering if you will very be able to get up again?  The vision of abundance not even in your bucket of hope. Those hope things buried in hurt.

There are so many areas of our life that Satan lays in wait to pounce in these seasons (1 Peter 5:8) and he will use those whose hearts are willing to carry out his destruction. We must stay prayed up and walking in the spirit so that we do not fall prey to the schemes of the devil and cause great hurt and destruction in other people’s lives. We must stay prayed up so that when the attack comes and we do not have the energy, our heart, mind and soul will be trained to take up our shield of faith. We are fighting against forces and authorities and against rulers of darkness and powers of the spiritual world. (Ephesians 6:12). 

Friends, I still don’t know from one day to the next if I have the strength to rise for the day or even for five minutes. I have days, even weeks I don’t get out of my pj’s unless it is absolutely necessary. I don’t have all the answers and I struggle daily to walk upright and in surrender especially when my river of hurt has washed me out to the depths of the seas and I am gasping for breath just to survive.

Abundance has not been at the forefront of my mind this season. My struggle to merely exist has been my focus. As God’s word is true, my story is living testimony to the fact that: We have walked through fire and water, but he has brought us to a place of abundance. (Psalm 66:12) What others intended for harm, he has used for his glory to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  (Genesis 50:20) He has gone before us, he has never left us or forsaken us. (Deuteronomy 31:8). He has made a way in the sea, and a path in mighty waters.   He has brought forth new things and he continues to make a way in the wilderness and bring forth rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:16,19) He has preserved our life and kept our feet from slipping. (Psalm 66:9) He wants to do this for you too sweet friend. He sees you. He is working it all out for your good. Will you rest in that promise?

These pictures show merely a glimpse of the abundant blessings God has poured out on me and our family. These are the messes that fill my heart. These are the messes that make me realize that even in the hard times, God has chosen to bless us abundantly.  These are the messes that remind me of a God who is full of grace and desires the best for his children. These are the messes that have taught me to Embrace The Mess. I bet if you look closely in your own season of struggle you will find places that God has blessed you abundantly too, even in the in the midst of your mess.

With Love,

Chrissy

90 Seconds and a Wig Adjustment

Don’t you wish that is all it took…90 seconds and a wig adjustment to get our life together? Throw in a tube of super glue so we can attempt to glue some of those broken pieces back together and we could show up at the Oscar’s and win all the awards for having our life together. Always the princess captivated and protected by her prince who wards off all that could shatter our world.

That might win us best actress, but is it your reality?

I wish I could tell you that this fairy tale is in more than cinematic color. I wish I could tell you that you have not been shattered by the loss of someone you love deeply, betrayed by those you trusted, encountered unmet expectations, lost your job, struggled to keep your broken marriage together, received a devastating medical loss or walked the road of addiction with a loved one. I wish I could tell you it was a dream and when the credits run you are going to go back to that life you left at the theater doors.

That just is not my reality and probably not your reality either.

So I spin…I spin as tears roll down my face and sweat puddles on the floor. I spin as I wonder if I will make it through the day. I spin as I wonder if this heart will ever mend. I spin hoping I can get my life together in those 90 seconds.

As I envision myself crossing the finish line at the gate of heaven, the Holy Spirit whispers hope in my ear. I am reminded that just like that hill climb that tears down the muscles in my body so they can be built back up stronger with more endurance, God is using my broken, shattered life to build me up stronger and with more endurance to run the race he has set before me. Hebrews 12:1-2

Our shattered heart and shattered lives bring us to a place of surrender that nothing else can. “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:8-9.

I can say this with assurance, as I have walked the road of hurt you are experiencing and in so many areas of my life, I am still walking this road. I can wail, weep and pray with you at the gravesite of your child, husband, extended family member or friend. I can sit with you in your unmet expectations, loss of hope, loss of relationships, wayward children. I can feel your anguish and confusion as you cry out to God when you are betrayed by those you love.

I can also stand tall in that puddle of my own tears and sweat and declare that God WILL bring glory from your suffering and deep hurt. I encourage you to stand firm in faith and God’s truths even when (especially when) all you can see are the boulders in front of you on that mountain. When your legs and lungs burn and you don’t think you can take one more step. “God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come..” Colossians 1:11

So get up off that couch sister and spin! Spin all those truths of God into your heart and climb while the tears roll down your face. Climb higher even when you don’t think you will ever catch your breath again. Drop those tears and sweat at the feet of Jesus and let him restore your heart to joy. Let him mend your broken heart and dreams. Spin even when you know it will take much longer than 90 seconds to get your life together and adjust your wig. For “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelations 21:5

I've Got The Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy...

But do I really?  I certainly don't feel joyful.  My surrounding circumstances don't feel joyful.  If the Bible requires of us things we cannot immediately produce by our own power, does that mean joy too?  I hate to say it friend but the answer to that question is a resounding “yes”. We are to choose joy.  

We are commanded to be joyful if we are upright in heart. "Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!" Psalm 32:11 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice." Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12.

Here I am thinking…really God, this hurts so much and you want me to rejoice? You want me to shout when I can barely catch my breath? He is probably thinking, “silly girl, you forget I created you and gave you that breath I want you to use to shout with joy” insert…….eye roll, will she ever learn thought bubble over God’s head while he sits holding his chin in his hand. I am sure he assumes this position frequently as he tries to steer this hardheaded girl closer to the cross.

I don’t know about you, but I really struggle with that whole “constant in prayer” thing too.  My hearts desire is to be that girl that automatically turns everything over to God before being overcome with emotion, fear and doubt. Living life in a broken, hurting world, with hurting people, has brought me closer to that girl, but I still have a long way to go. I have a tendency to allow emotion to overtake what should be my first line of defense; prayer.

Unlike happiness, choosing joy means that it is not produced by the bodies natural response system, fight or flight. Happiness...that is a feeling that is like a ship on the open seas.  It ebbs and flows with the force of the wind and the pull of the moon on the ocean.  I admit, there are many times my happiness ebbs and flows with the happiness of those around me too.  A good friend and or a good shrink would probably tell me that is co-dependent behavior and to seek help, but we will have to save my co-dependent tendencies for another day or sign a lucrative contract for a novel.

The bible says as we grow in our faith and maturity,  "to the full measure of the stature of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming." Eph. 4:13-14  I believe that maturity also includes learning how to choose joy in spite of our circumstances. This is definitely an ongoing process for me.

So, you ask, how do I keep my joy when the hurt of betrayal and lies run so deep?  Well, the truth is, initially, I didn't.  I allowed the devil to use people and my circumstances to throw a wet blanket on my joy. I took my eyes off the cross and focused on my circumstances.

My grandfather always said, "you will know the true heart of a person when there is a death in the family."  He knew those words intimately, he lost two son's in a matter of four years, my dad and my uncle.  His statement began to ring true in my life.  My happiness hit an all-time low.  My joy, that was tied directly to my circumstances instead of being anchored in it’s source, Jesus Christ, hit an all-time low.

Why God?  How God?  Yes, it is personal God.  Can't it be enough that I lost Chris?  Can't it be enough that we all lost Chris?  Shouldn't we be standing together in unity as a family?  We all experienced the same loss.  Will the hurt ever end so the healing can begin?  Three years of such oppressive hurt and I am just now finding the space and room to mourn the death of my child. So many days and nights of crying out:  "My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is." Lamentations 3:17

As I walked through the hurt and pain of deception, loss of relationships, loss of hope and happiness I came to a point that I truly did not care if I lived or died.  130 miles an hour around those backwoods curves in my Porche was exhilarating.  It made me feel alive.  My adrenaline soared and my “give a dang” broke even more.  I cried out to God for mercy, grace and even death!  Although I never put anyone or anything in harms way besides myself, my behavior was erratic and risky.  Satan was effectively using those I loved to convince me that all was hopeless. I had lost my child and to top it off, I would be forced to walk through some of the most painful years of my life for the sake of someone else's greed.

THEN GOD…

in one of my many sleepless nights reminded me that He is my source of joy even in the pain. Even in the betrayal. Even in the place where life is hard and feels so hopeless. That my job was not to focus on or fix my circumstances. My job was to lean into him and trust him to fix my circumstances. He doesn’t need my help (boy is that realization humbling). His ways are higher and better than any humanly possible way I could conjure up to fix the situation or ease the hurt. God promises to go before us where Satan and his pawns attempt to kill, steal and destroy. My story is a testimony to this.

I don’t know what disappointments and hurt you may be walking though right now, friend, but I can tell you, my life burned completely to the ground the day I lost my son and the years following have been a smoldering heap of ash. I look at those words and cling to God’s promise that He brings beauty from ashes and that I would see beauty formed from my ashes too. I do believe this with all of my heart and soul and I believe the beauty from those ashes will bring great harvest to the lost and hurting. To those that are struggling with rejection, betrayal, grief, loss, addiction and sometimes just “life” things.

No self-help book on earth or the power of positive thinking can bring lasting joy, only the love and grace of Jesus Christ can bring that kind of joy. I am not discounting that depression is real and oppressive and if you feel you are struggling with it, please reach out to your medical doctor.

The beauty of walking through my pain and suffering has been learning how to keep joy down deep in my heart when I don't feel joyful. Although I have not mastered the scripture “be anxious for nothing”, I am slowly learning and practicing immediately turning those anxious thoughts over to God and consciously being aware of the times that I try to take them back from God. I have a Phd in giving it to God and taking it back when I don’t think His plan looks the way I think it should. When the hurt is oppressive and I know he can fix it with one command but choses to allow me to walk through it for my growth and sometime for someone else’s growth.

Joy is a supernatural work of the Holy Spirit in us and is a character of the people of God. “Joy,” “rejoice,” or “joyful” appear a total of 430 times in the bible compared with “happy” or “happiness,” which appear only ten times. The Holy Spirit supernaturally gives us great and lasting joy, even when we face affliction. "We want you to know, brothers, about the grace of God that has been given among the churches of Macedonia, for in a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed in a wealth of generosity on their part." 2 Corinthians 8:1-2.

You may not be experiencing happiness right now, but you will and can experience joy in the trials.  "So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you." John 12:22. No one can steal your joy. It is your birthright.  Don't give it away like I did. Don't forget who you are and whose you are.

Rejoice in the Lord, always, again I say rejoice.  We must always be alert. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; Jesus came so that we may have life!  Life to the fullest and that includes joy! John 10:10. Satan will use anyone or anything he can to derail your joy because your joy is evidence of Christ. It exudes the Father's love for us. 

Can you say...I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, inspite of your circumstances?  I finally can and I hope and pray the same for you sweet friend.

Father, As we come before you, I pray that we would stand firmly on your promise to bring beauty from our ashes. I thank you for your gift of unwavering joy that only you can provide. I pray that our circumstances would not take our eyes off of you. Teach us to lean in to you as you grow our faith. Help us to remember to reach out to others who are hurting and struggling to find joy in spite of their circumstances. May we be the hands and feet to those who don’t have the strength right now Lord.

In Jesus Holy Holy Name…Amen

With Much Love,

Chrissy