Yesterday, during my morning quiet time I found myself writing a love letter to God. As I opened my journal this morning, this sentence jumped out at me.

“God, your word says you will pour out in abundance over me.”

It has been almost three and a half years in this season of our life, and it sure has not felt like abundance. It has felt more like deception and greed stacked on top of an earth-shattering journey of loss and grief. Oh how deep the arrow penetrates the soul when the instigators of the hellish vortex you find yourself in comes cloaked in Christianity, friendship, and even those you love. No time to grieve as flaming arrows fly your way. Your bones ache and your heart is shredded. It lays at your feet in a bloody mess. You can only muster enough energy to take up the shield of faith. (Ephesians 6:16). Your words are replaced with groans as your knees buckle and the tears pour down your face.

This is not a bad position to be in because it forces us into full surrender and removes us from interfering in the battle. Like God told King Jehoshaphat, the battle is not yours, but God’s. (2 Chronicles 20:15) There is nothing like death that brings the full sovereignty of God into focus. The beauty of not having the energy to fight the battle and the beauty of full surrender is that it opens the flood gates of heaven, pouring forth an abundance of grace, hope, blessings and restoration. Sweet friend, I am in no way minimizing how painful this season is for you. I know it feels as if your are being branded with a hot iron on delicate parts of your flesh. I know the smell and stench makes your eyes and nose water. I know you feel like you there is no going forward. I know some of you frankly wish you too could die. I have been there. In many ways I am still there.

Does any of this sound like the season of life you may be waking through? Loss, disappointment, deception, greed, disillusionment, depression? Do you see your lifeless body laying on the floor of your bathroom, slick with snot and wondering if you will very be able to get up again? The vision of abundance not even in your bucket of hope. Those hope things buried in hurt.

There are so many areas of our life that Satan lays in wait to pounce in these seasons (1 Peter 5:8) and he will use those whose hearts are willing to carry out his destruction. We must stay prayed up and walking in the spirit so that we do not fall prey to the schemes of the devil and cause great hurt and destruction in other people’s lives. We must stay prayed up so that when the attack comes and we do not have the energy, our heart, mind and soul will be trained to take up our shield of faith. We are fighting against forces and authorities and against rulers of darkness and powers of the spiritual world. (Ephesians 6:12).

Friends, I still don’t know from one day to the next if I have the strength to rise for the day or even for five minutes. I have days, even weeks I don’t get out of my pj’s unless it is absolutely necessary. I don’t have all the answers and I struggle daily to walk upright and in surrender especially when my river of hurt has washed me out to the depths of the seas and I am gasping for breath just to survive.

Abundance has not been at the forefront of my mind this season. My struggle to merely exist has been my focus. As God’s word is true, my story is living testimony to the fact that: We have walked through fire and water, but he has brought us to a place of abundance. (Psalm 66:12) What others intended for harm, he has used for his glory to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Genesis 50:20) He has gone before us, he has never left us or forsaken us. (Deuteronomy 31:8). He has made a way in the sea, and a path in mighty waters. He has brought forth new things and he continues to make a way in the wilderness and bring forth rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:16,19) He has preserved our life and kept our feet from slipping. (Psalm 66:9) He wants to do this for you too sweet friend. He sees you. He is working it all out for your good. Will you rest in that promise?

These pictures show merely a glimpse of the abundant blessings God has poured out on me and our family. These are the messes that fill my heart. These are the messes that make me realize that even in the hard times, God has chosen to bless us abundantly. These are the messes that remind me of a God who is full of grace and desires the best for his children. These are the messes that have taught me to Embrace The Mess. I bet if you look closely in your own season of struggle you will find places that God has blessed you abundantly too, even in the in the midst of your mess.

With Love,

Chrissy

When Life Doesn't Feel Abundant