Sea Glass

Ron,

August 14, 2019 marked eight years since you went to be with Jesus. Wow! There has been so much life lived between your death and that anniversary. They say time marches on and I guess that is true, but a piece of my heart died that day too. How could it not? You were one of the most beautiful pieces of sea glass that God has ever blessed me with. An unexpected treasure revealed at a time when the ocean receded in my life to give me rest from its battering waves.

There is so much I want to tell you. There is so much I need to tell you. Since you died, I have learned to live with my head in heaven and my feet on the ground. It is not a bad prespective, just a very painful journey.
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.“ Colossians 3:1-2 This scripture seeped even deeper into my soul when Chris died. I am grateful for a deeper understanding of this scripture, I just wish it was not the loss of one of my babies that made it really come alive in my life. When one of your babies lives in heaven, there your thoughts and heart live also.

I still miss you. I still miss your laugh. I still miss your wisdom. You taught me that marriage could be good. Do you remember how many years I fought you on that? I could not believe that a man of your integrity, a man who never once let us down, existed, much less would love me so much he would be willing to love my boys as his own. Not to mention, you were so much older than I was, what could you possibly see in me? You were at a place in your life where you had raised your kid. You were beginning the years of enjoying your grandchildren and retirement. Why in the world would you want to take on me and a house full of young boys again? But you did and with great joy. I knew you were older than me, but by the time I realized how much, it was too late. You aged well my love. My heart was yours, but I still dug my heels in when it came to marriage and again when you asked me to quit my job so we had more time to spend together. It took a couple of years of dating to change my mind. A couple of years that you never wavered. A couple of years that you waited patiently for me to work through my trust issues and realize I could trust you. Thank you for never giving up on me. You always kept your word. You were always concerned about our well being and taking care of us. You wanted to show the boys and I the world. What wonderful memories we have from those adventures. Memories that will last a life-time.

Your unconditional love for us led me a little closer to the cross as you loved me as Christ loved the church. You probably would not understand or you would say you just did want a man is supposed to do, but your love for me and my boys strengthened my trust in Christ.

You continually worried about what would happen to us when it was your time to go. You did not want me to be alone. You wanted someone to love and cherish me the way you always did. Well, I found him. Actually, I think you found him for me. I remember you telling me what a great man he was. How you appreciated how he conducted his business with honesty and integrity. Lord knows, you could be a challenge to deal with when it came to business. After you died, I could not trust myself to choose wisely, but I knew I could trust you. So I took a chance, and I have to admit, unbeknownst to him, I vetted him among a few of your Delt Brothers. You would have been so proud of me. You loved your Delt Brothers more than your own life and I knew they would be honest with me and that they had my best interest at heart. They loved me because they loved you. Well, you were right and so were they. He is a really good man and he loves us well. I am humbled that God saw fit to bless me twice. That is what you would always say to me, but I never really understood it until I was forced to walk in your shoes.

Remember that saying you frequently used? "No good deed goes unpunished". I guess with your desire to give and love others well, you probably knew this better than most, but I just thought you were being a little cynical. Your personal success and your marriage to me was a breeding ground for others greed and selfishness. Unfortunately, the boys and I experienced a double knockout after Chris’ death. What a season of heart ache it has been. You would be as shocked as I was at some of the those that delivered the punches. Or maybe you wouldn’t have. You were always a really good read of people. You would be relieved and happy to know that even though you couldn’t protect us this time, God did. He knew and he loves us even more than you did, if you can imagine that. Not only that, but he gave us Blake who has stood firm beside us and held us up and together through it all.

You had such a heart for others. It was one of the many things I loved about you. I remember sitting in the Red Hut in Lake Tahoe and a lady introduced herself to me and told me how you helped her daughter get her degree at Trinity University in San Antonio. Her daughter had graduated and was teaching at the time in Mexico, paying it forward, Her mom told me she had been waitressing there for years and was a single mom (a stranger to you) and that if it had not been for you, she did not know how would have ever been able to send her daughter to college, much less Trinity. That is just one of the one hundred million examples of your generosity. I think I am aware of most, but I bet there are more out there I am not aware of.

You already know that Chris is in heaven now. I’m sure he was so happy to see you. He loved you and admired you so very much. He was set to graduate from Sam Houston in December of 2016 but we lost him in March of that year. I received a call from Dean Mitchell Muehsam after his death. Mitch has always been a great friend. He is such an upstanding, authentic man who fights hard for his students , Alumni and friends. He is a man you and I both greatly admire. He called to say he had been working on getting permission from the proper chain of authority to award Chris his Business degree posthumously. I remember falling to my knees in a puddle of gratitude tears. It would be the first posthumous degree awarded at Sam Houston State University. In May 2017, I received one of the greatest gifts I have ever, to this day, been given since Chris’ death. Chris’ memory was honored as I was walked the stage at Sam Houston State University and was presented with his diploma. The standing ovation when his name was called made my heart soar and shatter all in the same moment. Guess what else! This day fell on Mother’s Day. Can you imagine the emotions? The joy. The ache of my heart. I was so humbled by Mitch’s kindness and thoughtfulness. Mitch, President Dana Hoyt, The Board of The College of Business Administration and The Board of Regents will never know what this meant to my shredded mother’s heart. I don’t think I ever properly thanked them, but their gift of kindness will never be forgotten. Getting his degree was definitely a journey for Chris. You fought hard for him and showed up every single time to support him as he struggled through his young adult years. I remember you insisting on being taken to the court house when he had a court hearing. You were so sick, but you would not hear of not being there to support him. We loaded up the wheel chair and oxygen and headed to town. My heart sunk as the victims advocate shuffled you around the room with no regard for your struggle just to take your next breath, but she was determined to show her authority. You never complained. You never caused a scene. You were so good to him.

Chris’ baby is 4 now and he has many, many questions about his dad, heaven and death. Boy is he smart and wise. I’m not sure even you could answer some of this thought provoking questions without google. I can hear your laugh sometimes when he asks me a question because I know those questions would make you belly laugh. Since I lost my own dad at a very young age, I feel like God has given me some insight into the questions and struggles that will arise from the loss of his dad. Having seen Jesus face to face, I know you would be reminding me that the most important thing we can give him is Jesus so that he will see his dad again one day. Without Jesus, we both know, they will never meet again. That is a tough pill to swallow, but I am leaning in and standing firm on the promises of God. I know my grandchildren have been set aside and sanctified for the Kingdom of God. “For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” Hebrews 10:14. I can’t wait until you get to meet them. Oh what joy!

You would be so proud of Stephen. You always were. He loved you like his own dad. It has been hard to see the void that was left in his life when you died. He watched your every move and learned so much from you. He wanted to be his own boss just like you and guess what!!! He made it!! He has a beautiful wife that you would absolutely adore and two beautiful children. His baby boy is so kind and his laugh is absolutely contagious. That little girl of his is a boldy. She is going to give her mommy and daddy a run for their money. No doubt you would get a kick out of that. She would have you wrapped around her finger in seconds. Stephen is an awesome dad and husband. Thank you for leading us by example. I know you would expect nothing less from him.

Dylan is FINALLY thriving. Remember that little pain in the butt kid that was determined to just be a mouthy brat to you sometimes. I know you would be telling me “I told you he would come around in time.” Then you would launch into the memories of Rocky’s mouth and his mullet hair cut and remind me that he turned out to be a fabulous man and Dylan would too. You would be extremely proud of Dylan. He has a great job he loves and is definitely a natural salesman and people person. Your death shook him to his core, it shook all of us to the core, and it has taken a very long time for him to come to grips with it, but I see growth from the pain. By the grace of God. Unfortunately, before any of us had time to process it all, we lost Chris.

When I remarried, I inherited another fabulous Daughter In Love, Son and Daughter plus a few more grands. My heart is FULL. I am looking forward to more grand babies in the future. God’s word says “Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the aged”. Proverbs 17:6. The stones in my crown look like shimmering sea glass. A beautiful reflection of the son.

These things I shared today with you are just a glimpse of all the radiant sea glass God revealed when the waves of sorrow and loss crashed over our head and swept our lives and hearts out to sea. These eight years have been a raging sea. The waves just never seems to get any smaller or less fierce. The beauty has been that as the sand has shifted under our feet and life has felt so raw, the sting of the salt water searing, God has used those waves to remove some oil slicks from our lives. He has removed pieces of plastic that presented themselves as glass. He has used those waves to polish up the sea glass he had already placed in our lives and he has used those waves to reveal new sea glass in our lives. God uses the wind, waves and sand in our life to bring beauty from our broken glass. When I think of sea glass with the sun sparkling off of it, I think of the beautiful colors of all the precious stones in heaven. I think of you. I think of Chris.

Until we meet again…

Love,

Blue Eyes