Called but Am I Enough?
This past week I had the opportunity to attend the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina. When I received the invitation to attend, I remember immediately feeling like the Holy Spirit was saying GO. I signed up, picked my breakout sessions with no real thought process and paid the fee. Over the next few months I was getting information on the details of the conference and I begin to think, you did it again, you got ahead of yourself and made an impulse decision and now here you are. I could not shake the feeling that God was calling me to obedience and being a stubborn girl by nature, my heart really yearned to say no to God. So, determined to quiet that stubborn girl, I shuffled forward a mere millimeter and planted my feet.
In the back of my mind I was thinking, maybe something will happen so I can cancel. The treadmill of emotions as I wrestled with God looked like: Have you not seen this hot mess? I can barely rise out of bed some days and you want me to attend a conference on writing and speaking? OK God, I’ll go, I trust you but am I enough? As the treadmill gained speed, those conversations started sounding like, Oh heck no God, I am not prepared to share my journey with the world and who the heck would care anyway and YOU know I am T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D of speaking in public. Remember God, I am that girl that can’t share her story without crying. I am that girl that feels like she has to pee even if she just went. Then I would hear my best girlfriend Hot Mess say, “Girl you are SOOO right, you got the cry ugly perfected.” and “That’s your mommas’ fault for terrorizing you during your childhood by speaking the words, “you better go in there and go to the bathroom before we leave, because I am not going stop. “”. Just writing that sentence out right now makes me feel like I need to pee, and I kid you not, I JUST went! Amen, Hot Mess sister, thank you for always having my back. If I didn’t know I cry ugly before, I do now and it is definitely my mommas’ fault.
Then the positive me was like, hey, this could be an advantage when you take that soul crushing journey to the bathroom scale. You already strip down to nothing and remove your toe nail polish hoping to move the scales of injustice. It could be water retention, so maybe God is just trying to help a girl out. You know, always look for the positive. Does anyone else have these treadmill conversations in their head that sound like the noises at the county fair when you step into the lights of the carnival?
Girl, I went, but I have to admit the drag marks from my heels looked more like trenches than ruts that could easily be washed away with a good rain.
It was not the conference, but the calling I was railing against.
I knew the conference was God’s preparation to have me step out into my calling and I just didn’t feel adequate or equipped, and the truth is I am still struggling. I kept thinking, God you know my brokenness and my baggage; I have made a lot of bad choices. I have hurt a lot of people, some intentional and some not, including myself, on my journey. God kept saying back to me, yes you have, and I am going to use it for my glory so get over yourself. I have forgiven you and I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans for your future. You are ENOUGH because I am ENOUGH.
I sat down this morning to process all God has taught me over this past week and as I went to grab my notes I opened my conference folder and there was a message that said “If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless one you will be my spokesman. You must influence them.” Jeremiah 15:19.
REPENTANCE*RESTORATION*SERVICE*INFLUENCE
I headed there in my bible to dig a little deeper and God reminded me that Jeremiah was called to warn the nations of the world about God’s judgement on sin. God told him his calling was not going to be easy or without pain and suffering. In fact, he says in Jeremiah 1:19, “They will fight against you”. That sounds like a struggle to me. Emotional and physical. Then God declares “they will not overcome you, for I am with you and I will rescue you.” In Jeremiah 15:15-21, Jeremiah reveals his own struggle with his calling and suffering. He affirms God’s longsuffering and reminds God of his own obedience then he even suggested God has lied to him. God called him to repentance and reassured him.
“I will make you a wall to this people, a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue and save you. I will save you from the hands of the wicked and deliver you from the grasp of the cruel.”
Do you hear God saying, I called you and it is not going to be without trials and heartache (a fight), but I have equipped (fortified) you and I will rescue you, save you, deliver you?
My heart went back to my own wrestle. That place where I feel God calling, my desire to be obedient and the feelings of being inadequate, unequipped, unqualified, not enough.
I turned the page in my bible and God breathed these words into my heart and lungs. “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Like Jeremiahs’ voice, my voice echoed back; but God, I am not equipped or qualified, I am to _______, I am not _____. And God Almighty, The Maker of Heaven and Earth, The Keeper of my Heart shouted,
“Do NOT be afraid.” “I am with you.”
Through the window that gives us a glimpse of yesterday, I can see the shuffle of obedience toward the cross and the internal wrestle that raged in my heart and mind when I felt God calling. Sunday, as I weighed and checked my baggage at the airline counter to return home, I could not help but notice my bags were substantially lighter than when I traveled to the conference. I felt a faint, cool breeze sigh in my soul when I realized not only where my physical bags lighter, my spirit was lighter too. God had removed some hurt, disillusionment, disappointment and doubt through that conference. A conference that I attended because of that mere shuffle toward obedience.
I pray if you are struggling in this place of feeling called but unequipped, unqualified, inadequate, that you would let God breathe life and assurance into your being, that WHEN He calls, not IF, He will make a way and you will know deep in your being, YOU are ENOUGH.
I am so thankful to Lysa TerKeurst, Jamie Ivey, Bianca Olthoff and so many others at the conference that breathed ENOUGH into the deepest crevices of my fears and failures. I pray, if I can breathe into just one, it will be ENOUGH. You are ENOUGH because He is ENOUGH.
With Love,
Chrissy