Called but Am I Enough?

This past week I had the opportunity to attend the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina.  When I received the invitation to attend, I remember immediately feeling like the Holy Spirit was saying GO.  I signed up, picked my breakout sessions with no real thought process and paid the fee.  Over the next few months I was getting information on the details of the conference and I begin to think, you did it again, you got ahead of yourself and made an impulse decision and now here you are. I could not shake the feeling that God was calling me to obedience and being a stubborn girl by nature, my heart really yearned to say no to God.  So, determined to quiet that stubborn girl, I shuffled forward a mere millimeter and planted my feet.  

In the back of my mind I was thinking, maybe something will happen so I can cancel. The treadmill of emotions as I wrestled with God looked like: Have you not seen this hot mess? I can barely rise out of bed some days and you want me to attend a conference on writing and speaking?  OK God, I’ll go, I trust you but am I enough? As the treadmill gained speed, those conversations started sounding like, Oh heck no God, I am not prepared to share my journey with the world and who the heck would care anyway and YOU know I am T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D of speaking in public.  Remember God, I am that girl that can’t share her story without crying. I am that girl that feels like she has to pee even if she just went.  Then I would hear my best girlfriend Hot Mess say, “Girl you are SOOO right, you got the cry ugly perfected.” and “That’s your mommas’ fault for terrorizing you during your childhood by speaking the words, “you better go in there and go to the bathroom before we leave, because I am not going stop. “”. Just writing that sentence out right now makes me feel like I need to pee, and I kid you not, I JUST went!  Amen, Hot Mess sister, thank you for always having my back. If I didn’t know I cry ugly before, I do now and it is definitely my mommas’ fault.  

Then the positive me was like, hey, this could be an advantage when you take that soul crushing journey to the bathroom scale.  You already strip down to nothing and remove your toe nail polish hoping to move the scales of injustice.  It could be water retention, so maybe God is just trying to help a girl out.  You know, always look for the positive. Does anyone else have these treadmill conversations in their head that sound like the noises at the county fair when you step into the lights of the carnival?

Girl, I went, but I have to admit the drag marks from my heels looked more like trenches than ruts that could easily be washed away with a good rain. 

It was not the conference, but the calling I was railing against.  

I knew the conference was God’s preparation to have me step out into my calling and I just didn’t feel adequate or equipped, and the truth is I am still struggling. I kept thinking, God you know my brokenness and my baggage; I have made a lot of bad choices.  I have hurt a lot of people, some intentional and some not, including myself, on my journey. God kept saying back to me, yes you have, and I am going to use it for my glory so get over yourself. I have forgiven you and I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans for your future. You are ENOUGH because I am ENOUGH.

I sat down this morning to process all God has taught me over this past week and as I went to grab my notes I opened my conference folder and there was a message that said “If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me.  If you speak good words rather than worthless one you will be my spokesman.  You must influence them.” Jeremiah 15:19.

REPENTANCE*RESTORATION*SERVICE*INFLUENCE

I headed there in my bible to dig a little deeper and God reminded me that Jeremiah was called to warn the nations of the world about God’s judgement on sin.  God told him his calling was not going to be easy or without pain and suffering.  In fact, he says in Jeremiah 1:19, “They will fight against you”. That sounds like a struggle to me.  Emotional and physical. Then God declares “they will not overcome you, for I am with you and I will rescue you.”  In Jeremiah 15:15-21, Jeremiah reveals his own struggle with his calling and suffering. He affirms God’s longsuffering and reminds God of his own obedience then he even suggested God has lied to him.  God called him to repentance and reassured him.

“I will make you a wall to this people, a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue and save you.  I will save you from the hands of the wicked and deliver you from the grasp of the cruel.”  

Do you hear God saying, I called you and it is not going to be without trials and heartache (a fight), but I have equipped (fortified) you and I will rescue you, save you, deliver you?

My heart went back to my own wrestle. That place where I feel God calling, my desire to be obedient and the feelings of being inadequate, unequipped, unqualified, not enough.

I turned the page in my bible and God breathed these words into my heart and lungs.  “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  Like Jeremiahs’ voice, my voice echoed back; but God, I am not equipped or qualified,  I am to _______, I am not _____.  And God Almighty, The Maker of Heaven and Earth, The Keeper of my Heart shouted,

“Do NOT be afraid.” “I am with you.” 

Through the window that gives us a glimpse of yesterday, I can see the shuffle of obedience toward the cross and the internal wrestle that raged in my heart and mind when I felt God calling.  Sunday, as I weighed and checked my baggage at the airline counter to return home, I could not help but notice my bags were substantially lighter than when I traveled to the conference.  I felt a faint, cool breeze sigh in my soul when I realized not only where my physical bags lighter, my spirit was lighter too.  God had removed some hurt, disillusionment, disappointment and doubt through that conference. A conference that I attended because of that mere shuffle toward obedience.

I pray if you are struggling in this place of feeling called but unequipped, unqualified, inadequate, that you would let God breathe life and assurance into your being, that WHEN He calls, not IF, He will make a way and you will know deep in your being, YOU are ENOUGH.

I am so thankful to Lysa TerKeurst, Jamie Ivey, Bianca Olthoff and so many others at the conference that breathed ENOUGH into the deepest crevices of my fears and failures. I pray, if I can breathe into just one, it will be ENOUGH. You are ENOUGH because He is ENOUGH.

With Love,

Chrissy

If He Can Use This Hot Mess

I was traveling on business with my husband recently when I got a message that said "Chrissy, would you consider giving your personal testimony at a revival on Wednesday...? " My heart stopped. My head spun, and I blurted out to my husband, "Brother Eric just asked me to speak at a revival. There is NO way I can do that!" I was excited but so nervous and fearful. In my heart, I knew God wanted to use my story for His kingdom, but NOW? In this way? Really God? I took a few minutes to compose myself and sent back a message that said "Let me pray about it a few days, and I will get back with you. I am terrified and humbled that you would ask." That was my stealth coverup to buy me some time to negotiate with God and whine a bit. I thought, surely God is joking. Maybe if I stall I won't have to speak. Maybe if I give it a few days, I can come up with a legitimate excuse not to speak.  Maybe they will rethink their choice.  Finally, I could put it off no longer. I knew if I didn't respond quickly the devil would use it as a foothold to try to stop me from sharing. I sent a message saying "Eric, it is my pleasure to share my story. If it touches just one...." If it touches just one is how I truly felt and how I feel now, but that first part, "it is my pleasure," that was not really how I was feeling. All I knew is if I didn't commit soon I was going to figure out a way to disobey what I knew in my heart God was calling me to do.

A few days later Brother Eric told me he was going to be teaching out of the book of Judges on Gideon. How ironic is that? I guess, not ironic at all if you consider; God already knew I was going to be asked to speak, He knew how I would feel about that request, and He already knew that Brother Eric would be telling Gideon's story. I would like to think He already knew I would be obedient, but my track record in the "obedience to God" category is not the greatest.

My favorite part of Gideon's story is when he says “Pardon me, my Lord, how can I save Israel. My clan is the weakest and I am the least in my family.” I could certainly appreciate his feeling of inadequacy. All those thoughts and doubts were running through my own head. How could God use me when I have screwed it up so badly? Why would anyone even be interested in what I have to say? How could my story possibly change even one? Well, you know.... It's 🎶the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend.🎶 (Lamb Chop's sing-along and Sheri Lewis). Let's not forget, it is a sin to cuss me for that song getting stuck in your head. 🤣🙏🏼

Gideon chose obedience, but even then, tested God asking for signs from Him. How many times do we do that in our own lives? We step out in obedience to God, but we still test and doubt Him. God chose Gideon to save Israel, but Gideon couldn’t wrap his head around how God could possibly use him. God remained patient and faithful, just as He does with us; and Gideon remained obedient even in his doubt. Do you remain obedient in your doubt? Oh, how I am guilty of that same doubt. Oh, how I am guilty of not obeying because of my doubt. There I stood saying ”I believe Lord, forgive my unbelief.” To say I was terrified is an understatement but I kept hearing God say ”What I want is your obedience. I will do the rest.” I felt so vulnerable but yet so safe.

I took the next couple of hours to write my story. I struggled with how to honor my mother and father as they are a huge part of my story, but the reality is, their stories shaped mine, just as Adam and Eve's story has shaped all of mankind's story. I prayed, and I wrote like a mad woman.  I reached out for encouragement, prayer, and direction and kept writing. Fourteen pages later, I had my life, in a nutshell, staring back at me. If you have never seen your story; your bad choices, your good choices, your life, outlined on paper, I suggest you take some time to really evaluate yourself and write. If you don't intend to obey God and let him use it, burn it, but at least write it. As I reread all of my poor choices and sins, God kept saying "As far as the east is from the west...I forgive you." I want your heart, not your head. I want your obedience. I want you for eternity." I wept in thankfulness for a God who loves me so much He sent His son to suffer and die on the cross for me. I wept for the grace and mercy that He has shown on my life. I kept reading. About a third of the way through, I reached the part that said: "Now that I have given you a glimpse of how I hung onto my death clothes of ugliness and sin, let me tell you how God has used each and every one of these things for His glory and my spiritual growth." My praise began to overshadow my shame. My heart burst with love. The scripture "Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them." took on new meaning and crashed over me.

I put away my writing for a few days and then picked it up again four days before I was to speak. I edited and prayed over it with complete confidence that no matter what, if I allowed God to speak through me, I would be ok and my story would soften hearts and further His kingdom. I kept reminding myself that I am merely the vessel. It is not about me and my terror. Every time Satan threw arrows of doubt my way, I practiced capturing my thoughts and setting them on Jesus. The night of the revival, I inadvertently went to the wrong church and even sent all of my kids and mom to the wrong church. Well, wouldn't you know, I had not allowed more time than necessary "just in case", and when we turned around to head the other direction we were stopped by a passing train. Oh my GOODNESS!  The wait felt like an eternity and my heightened state of anxiety was not helping the situation. I just kept saying to myself "well the devil obviously does not want you to share tonight so get your tail to that church even if you are late." I arrived at the church with literally 30 seconds to spare. I need to extend a public apology to Brother Eric for almost giving him a heart attack. I was so freaked out I am not sure I even apologized at all.

I was still shaking like a leaf when he introduced me to speak, and all I could think as I walked to that podium is "please God, don't let me trip over my own shoes. My story is shameful enough." I remember looking out and thinking; "Oh God, what have you gotten me into? Is this was obedience looks like? These people are going to despise me when I lay out my dirty laundry before them. Not only that, the beautiful sounds of my grandchildren playing, wiggling and whispering are echoing all over this precious little church. Not only are they going to think I was a rotten mom, wife, and daughter, but now they are going to believe I am a rotten Mimi too." I looked out into my son's face and remember telling God "I am willing to be obedient and air my dirty laundry, God. I am willing to endure the whispers and shame for your sake, but please don't let me embarrass my son or bring shame on my husband, my children, my daughters-n-love, my parents or my grandchildren. Needless to say, I got through my testimony. Brother Eric followed it up with a beautiful alter call, and there was no doubt that lives were touched for the Kingdom of God. Not only that, which is absolutely more than enough, but God saw fit to bless me with new and beautiful relationships. Relationships knit together by shame, vulnerability, and the healing hand of God's grace.

God wants us to put our energy into obedience rather than questioning His wisdom and power, but even when we doubt and question, yet still obey, God pours out his blessing on our life. He is a God that still pursues us passionately when we rebel or we test him like Gideon did. God calls us to obedience to further His kingdom and draws us into a deeper relationship with Him. There is nothing that can touch our life without God removing his hand from the situation just as he did in Job's. I am living proof that every time in my life that God has removed his hand and allowed me to walk out the consequences of my sins or permitted heartache to touch my life, he has brought glory from it for His kingdom and strengthened my walk with Him. If he can use this hot mess for His glory and Kingdom, he can certainly use you in all your beautiful mess. Don't let Satan lie to you and tell you that you have screwed up too much or too severely for God to use you. Don't let the guilt of your sins, your trials, your heartaches, keep you from your pursuit of Him. Let it refine you for heaven and eternity. It is time to take off your death clothes and live in the fullness of Christ and all He has to offer. He wants you to trust him even in your doubt and to surrender in obedience to His call on your life. What are you waiting for?

"Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; Your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord. May the Lord bless you from Zion, may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life. May you live to see your children's children- peace be on Isreal."

Judges 6:15    Mark 9:24    Psalm 103:12    Romans 4:7    Psalm 128   2 Corinthians 10:5

#embracing_the_mess  #lampchop  #sherilewis  #obedience  #JesusIsLord