Good Friday

Good Friday, a day that was not so good for the man, blameless, shameless, faultless man, who hung on the cross for us, yet so beautifully good because he hung on that cross so that we may have life eternal. To bring hope to those of us who have lost children and loved ones. To bring hope to the captive, to the sinner, to the saint, to you and to me.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

John 3:16

We celebrated my baby boy, Chris’ life on March 25, 2016. It was Good Friday (only God).

I know that the body we held and loved on this earth met Jesus face to face and that he is worshiping at the feet of Jesus. Yet most days, my heart is still so heavy. The weight of lost hopes and dreams swirl through every joyful moment and every sad moment. I can intimately feel the pain of another mother who gave up her son for the benefit of us.

What I wouldn’t give to have my boy back. What I wouldn’t give for Jackson to have his daddy, for Lauryn to have her soulmate, for his brothers to have their big brother.

I had Chris at 18, just a baby myself. We grew up together. He was my steady through life's storms. He loved to kick his little foot over the edge of the car seat and have me rub his little fat feet any time we were in the car. His Mimi powdered his feet and put his socks on "just right" until he was at least 8 years old I think. I used to tease her for that, but just last week, I caught myself putting my own 1st born grandson’s socks on “just right”. Chris hated the line on the toe of his socks to be crooked and so does his baby boy, Jackson. Jackson’s little sausage toes and stinky feet took me back to the sausage toes and stinky feet that were my first love on another little boy that also carried my blood.

Chris loved to have his back rubbed and really loved food, especially steak and lobster if his mom was picking up the tab. He was a voracious reader and wise beyond his years. Another one of those traits I realized he passed along as I have watched his son devour three books in the short time I have been here.

Chris never met a stranger. Most importantly, Chris loved Jesus with all his heart. It is what I pray is the greatest and most important thing Chris passed on to his son. For Christopher, it was about relationship with his Christ...not religion. I stand on the promise that Jackson is a seed of the righteous.

Chris was mentor, friend and most times father figure to his brothers. All he ever wanted was to serve God, Lauryn and Jackson, provide for his little family and honor me as his mother. His heart was burdened to raise Jackson to love and know Jesus. He had a servants heart for the broken and displayed the hands and feet of Jesus to so many.

Today, I am not angry at God, although I certainly have had those days.  My heart is definately heavy and the tears fall. I am not sure this will ever go away as long as I am alive, but I do know it is the wounds that have left deep scars and where my tears turn to rivers that God has met me the most. Stretched me the most. Taught me the most.

Burying Chris on Good Friday has been just one of the many ways God has shown us his grace and that we are seen even in the suck.  It has taught me about what truely matters and how to keep my eyes, heart and feet pointed toward heaven even when heaven seems so very far away.

Today I am grateful for what God gave.  Life....What I could only give my kids temporarily on earth, God has given freely to my kids and all who accept him as Lord and Savior. I am grateful that a Holy God loved my boy so much he poured out His spirit on Chris. To convict his heart that ultimately led Chris to repentance, salvation and God's grace by faith.

As much as I love my children, I know Christ loves them more. 

God gave Christopher as a gift to us to raise until His work through Chris on earth was done. I know God knows my pain better than anyone,  for God sent only His son to endure torture, blasphemy, and death on the cross so Chris could have life eternal. So we can have life eternal.

We do not know the "why's" but we do know that although we can't see it in the midst of our pain, God is on His thrown. His plan is perfect and those of us who are saved by grace will see Chris and their loved ones again in the radiant light of heaven and God's glory.

In a time that is so uncertain would you join us as we honor my son by being the

hands and feet of Jesus?

How can I pray for you?

How has God shown up in the midst of your “suck”?

I would love to hear your “hand and feet” stories.

Drop me a note in the comments or PM me.