Will There Be Joy Again?

The morning sun rose as I grabbed my coffee and headed upstairs to work on some of my non-profit commitments.

Little did I know that day would shatter everything I knew to be true.

With one phone call our life went from peace and joy to panic and grief.  My momma’s heart knew I would never be the same. I certainly could not imagine there would ever be joy again.

For years my mind could not hold a single thought and most days my legs refused to hold my weight.  I truly thought I was going crazy.

It took every bit of energy I had just to move from the bed to the couch.  

I learned that even if I have done nothing physical during the day

the sheer trauma of child loss is exhausting.

I was sure I would never feel joy or peace again.  To say it has been easy to learn to let great grief and great joy live in the same space it just not true.   

This whole journey stinks but it is my new reality.  It may be your new reality too, and for that my heart breaks for you.

God has stretched me and grown me in ways that would not have been possible if I had not walked through the death of my husband and then my first born son.

My humanness would prefer to have them here and to have skipped all of that growth, but my Jesus heart reminds me that life is a gift and made to grow us in our hope of eternity and our relationship with our Father.

Our children are a gift from God.  They belonged to him first.  

I don’t know why he needed Chris or Ron, but I do know that there is purpose in our pain.  I do know that God brings beauty from ashes. I do know that joy does come in the mourning.

We never get over those losses.  We simply learn to walk the road of loss allowing great grief and great joy to reside in the same space.  

Friend, your grief may be super fresh and your heart may not be able to receive this truth right now and I get it.  I did not want to hear another platitude of how great God was, especially when my reality was that I could barely breath through the pain.  To this day triggers and tears still bring me to my knees. 

We encounter a faith crisis that has us reeling and people that have not walked this road assume our faith is weak.  Yet our faith is what sustains us. 

We go to bed one night vibrant and thriving with purpose and walk into a reality in which we have merely become a shell of our former self.  

I want you to hear that your feelings are valid and real and your grief journey is your own.

I am going to leave this right here for you when your heart is ready to receive this truth.

Isaiah 55:12-13

“You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.  Instead of the thorn bush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.  This will be for the Lord’s renown, for an everlasting sign that will endure forever.”

Much love,

Chrissy