Buckets Full Of Grace

With tears streaming down my face, I heard myself say “I am just going to have to ask you for some grace.”  I knew nothing I said would bring understanding, in fact it would probably only bring another bucket full of guilt to add to my own.  I hung up the phone and wondered why I felt so guilty choosing myself.

Grace:  A spontaneous, generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved gift that takes the form of divine favor, love, clemency.

Grace:  The first thing I tell parents of child loss.  The first thing I tell others that are walking through loss.  

“Give yourself buckets full of grace.” “Saying no is ok.” Canceling plans when you need to is ok.” “Do what you need to do to heal as you walk your grief journey. “It is ok to choose you,” You are worth it!”

I know that is easier said than done.  I too feel the anxiety rise knowing there are times choosing myself and my mental health over expectations set by others will cause someone to be disappointed in me.  

I want everyone to be happy.  I want to be it all and do it all.  I want to meet all the realized and unrealized expectations, including my own, but I know I can’t do anything if I don’t listen to my body and what I need for myself.  I know that my grief journey has no time limits or standard rules of engagement.  

I know there will be fall out, hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and possibly the only grace I will see is the grace I give myself.  I don’t expect them to understand.  They fortunately have not walked the road of child loss.

I pray they never understand, but that doesn’t ease the conflict that wages inside when I have to choose me.

I felt it coming on.  That feeling where I could see in vivid color myself sliding toward the hole I climbed out of after the death of my son. The fear that if I don’t take a minute to reset I could find myself back there but not be able to climb out again.

Is this your story? 

Maybe you have not lost a child but you are walking through a devastating season of hurt, rejection, loss.

Maybe you have found yourself on a grief journey or a healing journey that has forced you to reassess your boundaries and say “yes” to you and “yes” to your health even when that yes falls short of other people's real or perceived expectations of you.  

Maybe you just struggle with managing expectations. 

I hope when you pick up the phone to ask for grace, knowing there are no words that will guarantee that grace, you do it without guilt. That you do it with confidence holding your own buckets of grace for yourself. That you have the courage to say “no” to the expectation and “yes” to you. That you are reminded no one else is walking in your shoes. 

I am reminding myself, as I remind you, to think about what you would tell those you love…

“Give yourself buckets full of grace.” “Saying no is ok.” “Canceling plans when you need to is ok.” “Do what you need to do to heal as you walk your grief journey.”  “It is ok to choose you.” “You are worth it!”

Much love,

Chrissy