Buckets Full Of Grace

With tears streaming down my face, I heard myself say “I am just going to have to ask you for some grace.”  I knew nothing I said would bring understanding, in fact it would probably only bring another bucket full of guilt to add to my own.  I hung up the phone and wondered why I felt so guilty choosing myself.

Grace:  A spontaneous, generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved gift that takes the form of divine favor, love, clemency.

Grace:  The first thing I tell parents of child loss.  The first thing I tell others that are walking through loss.  

“Give yourself buckets full of grace.” “Saying no is ok.” Canceling plans when you need to is ok.” “Do what you need to do to heal as you walk your grief journey. “It is ok to choose you,” You are worth it!”

I know that is easier said than done.  I too feel the anxiety rise knowing there are times choosing myself and my mental health over expectations set by others will cause someone to be disappointed in me.  

I want everyone to be happy.  I want to be it all and do it all.  I want to meet all the realized and unrealized expectations, including my own, but I know I can’t do anything if I don’t listen to my body and what I need for myself.  I know that my grief journey has no time limits or standard rules of engagement.  

I know there will be fall out, hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and possibly the only grace I will see is the grace I give myself.  I don’t expect them to understand.  They fortunately have not walked the road of child loss.

I pray they never understand, but that doesn’t ease the conflict that wages inside when I have to choose me.

I felt it coming on.  That feeling where I could see in vivid color myself sliding toward the hole I climbed out of after the death of my son. The fear that if I don’t take a minute to reset I could find myself back there but not be able to climb out again.

Is this your story? 

Maybe you have not lost a child but you are walking through a devastating season of hurt, rejection, loss.

Maybe you have found yourself on a grief journey or a healing journey that has forced you to reassess your boundaries and say “yes” to you and “yes” to your health even when that yes falls short of other people's real or perceived expectations of you.  

Maybe you just struggle with managing expectations. 

I hope when you pick up the phone to ask for grace, knowing there are no words that will guarantee that grace, you do it without guilt. That you do it with confidence holding your own buckets of grace for yourself. That you have the courage to say “no” to the expectation and “yes” to you. That you are reminded no one else is walking in your shoes. 

I am reminding myself, as I remind you, to think about what you would tell those you love…

“Give yourself buckets full of grace.” “Saying no is ok.” “Canceling plans when you need to is ok.” “Do what you need to do to heal as you walk your grief journey.”  “It is ok to choose you.” “You are worth it!”

Much love,

Chrissy

Wrestling With Forgiveness

Forgiveness is hard.  It is especially hard when it calls for us to forgive people that left deep wounds on our heart.  Wounds that may still be so very raw.

These past four years have challenged me to dig deeper into the practice of forgiving. What I noticed was that as I was walking through the layers of hurt and forgiveness, I began to try to find logical reasons of justification for the actions of the people who hurt me.  My heart and my head just could not take the intense pain of the reality that people I loved immensely would destroy our relationship and in the process shatter my heart for personal gain and self centered motivation.

I wrestled with God over releasing these relationships. I wrestled with my heart and tried to find any and all justification for their behavior. 

What God has taught me through this season is that I do not have to find reasons of justification for the actions of people that hurt me. I am not always called to reconcile those relationships but I am called to forgive.

In hindsight, I can see where God was removing these people for my protection.  Protection from the things that live in the dark recesses of their hearts.  God began to show me over and over again patterns of behavior in these people that should have been a glaring beacon of warning for what was to come.  What He knew about me was that I would continue to throw down the door stopper every time he tried to remove them if their hearts were not revealed in a way that I couldn’t justify their behavior anymore.

Forgiveness does not excuse the behavior of those that have wounded us.  Forgiveness releases control back to God allowing him to bring about justice. It also releases untold blessings on our own life when we choose to forgive and allows God to fill the space of hurt with immeasurably more than we could ever ask for.

Friends, I am not minimizing the hurt you may be walking through. I am not justifying or excusing the behaviors of the person that hurt you.  I just want to remind you that God calls us to forgive just as He has forgiven us.  His ways are higher. Revenge is His alone.  Releasing those that hurt us through forgiveness releases them to God so that He can make things right.

Releasing those that hurt us through forgiveness opens the doors for Gods blessings on our life and makes us whole again. We regain control of who we are and whose we are.  Forgiveness means those that came to kill, steal and destroy no longer have the power to do so in your life.

Much Love,

Chrissy

Violent/Broken/Bloodied/Bruised/Restored

Violent/Broken/Bloodied/Bruised/Restored

“Your son is dead. We think he may have swerved to miss a deer and lost control”.  Collapse, shock, saltwater waves pouring over my head sucking me under, burning my lungs, stinging my eyes. I want to reach out to comfort others around me that are feeling the impact but I can feel nothing, hear nothing. Paralysis. His natural body lay in an open field as the angels escorted his soul to heaven. He is finally whole for all eternity. Never to be bloodied, broken or bruised again (physically or emotionally). Christopher Parrish Barrow, age 25, experienced physical death in that moment. My first born son. 

If you have never experienced the death of a child, you will never fully understand the paralyzing pain of the loss. I am not minimizing the pain of loss of other loved ones. Unfortunately, I have also experienced the pain of the loss of my earthly father, a spouse, my grandparents and dear friends. Yet, in my personal experience, nothing compares to the loss of my child. 

There is no relief from the weight of grief. That beautiful child I carried in my womb. The beat of my heart, the first sound that he heard. The boy that taught me about unconditional love, sacrifice, selflessness. A 3 year old that asked “Mommy how can Jesus live in your heart?  There are too many bones in there.”.  My sinner/saint. Aren’t we all? A young man who chose spiritual life through his savior Jesus Christ. The man that was drawn to the lonely, who poured his life into “the least of these”.  A young man I watched take his first drink in college, struggle with alcoholism, struggle to find his calling in life, his choice of friends and denial by some family, that bred death instead of life, unequally yolked relationships, engaged to be married, a new baby. So much joy, fear, anxiety, hope. Son/Brother/Fiancé/Daddy/Provider.  A man after God’s own heart.

The pain and suffering of watching him make destructive choices I could not change nor control was almost unbearable yet it was just a glimpse into the pain that was to come. I am so very grateful that God gave me eyes to see and the wisdom and knowledge to get him help, but it did not mitigate the hurt and destruction his addiction was causing me and others who were intimately engaged, eyes wide open, trying to help him in his struggle and trying to love him through it. Having a front row seat to my son’s alcoholism/addiction also gave me a front row seat to God’s power and provision. I witnessed God’s grace in action and the nudge of the Holy Spirit in Christopher’s life. It blossomed and bloomed into a beautiful testimony. It strengthened his desire to show Jesus to his new son. To exemplify the characteristics of a Godly father and husband to his future wife and son. How he honored me as his mother, a bond so deep and unique no deception, deceit, or self-serving lies could destroy it. How he counseled and loved his brothers and friends. 

Sleepless nights of worry. Where is he? What is he doing? Who is he hanging out with? What is his emotional and physical state? Has he relapsed? Will I get that call? Will he hurt himself or someone else?  How would his consequences affect his future, his sons future, his soon to be wife’s future? I’m just not sure how much more I can take.

I’m going to boldy jump out there at the risk of criticism and judgment and share something most parents that have walked the road of addiction with their children are so very ashamed to express. I pray my raw honesty will bring spiritual freedom and healing for those that need to know they are not alone. Sadly, as with many parents who are struggling with a child who is battling addiction, there is a momentary relief from worry and relief that your child no longer has to suffer through addiction in those finite moments of hearing the proclamation of death....followed by a profound sense of guilt in feeling that fleeting moment of relief.  I knew Chris was safe and with Jesus. Little did I know that worry would turn into sleepless nights of agony and loss for over many years. Loss of hopes and dreams for his future. Loss of hopes and dreams for his son. Loss of a brother. Loss of a friend. Loss of relationships. Loss of my desire to live.

ACHE, HEAVY, OPPRESSIVE. An elephant sitting on on my chest. One more wave... will I catch my breath??  At least his presence on earth provided this mother’s heart some hope. A heart that was 100% confident that God would bring glory and restoration as He used Chris for His kingdom. As most parents, I whole heartedly believed that my sons life would impact the world for the better. As a Christian mother, I whole heartedly believed my child would find his purpose and flourish in service for the Kingdom of God in life. Never had I considered Chris’ impact could or would happen after his physical death. Seven or more who were saved at his funeral not to mention countless others since then. The glory and assurance of life after death.

I admire the parent who intentionally orchestrated his son’s death to bring life. Many days I feel sorry for myself and wallow in my self-pity. On days like that I have to remind myself about the story of the father who had a perfect son. Blameless, obedient, grounded in his purpose for the Kingdom of God. He was a joy to his mother and father, never bringing heartache or worry as he walked this earth in his physical body. He discipled others, taught and mirrored unconditional love, healed the sick and broke all the rules to bring hope, love and life to “the least of these”.  The son’s father saw how broken the world was and he made a decision. He chose his son to be the sacrificed for our sins, our stupidity, our pride, our addictions, our selfishness, our blatant disobedience. He poured out his life on earth but more importantly he poured out his life in death for me and for you. 

Let’s be real. There is absolutely NO way I would willingly sacrifice my children for anyone else’s baggage/sin. I’m ashamed to say, I feel pretty sure I would look around and say “God, surely there is someone else’s son who could be sacrificed. I know he has screwed up, I know he makes dumb decisions, but I am not sacrificing him for you or anyone. Oh, and don’t forget he is fallen because of a choice Adam and Eve made in the garden, and you are the one who created them.”  God could have said “hey, my son is blameless. He has healed, restored, fought his enemies valiantly for my kingdom and loved his neighbors. He has obeyed my commands. I’m not giving him up for your stupidity and brokenness. In fact, I think I will just let all of you suffer the consequences of hell based on Adam and Eve’s choice.”

Do you see the connection?  Do you see the difference? 

Blameless...and then..

Violent/Broken/Bloodied/Bruised

God looked at Chris, he looked at you and me and said “I love you”. In spite of your choices, addiction, brokenness, disobedience. I love you so much I am going to sacrifice my only son for you. He will be shamed, ridiculed, beaten, and hung on the cross for you. His mother and I will watch and grieve. I will endure the pain of my child being stripped, beaten, accused for your stupid choices. His flesh will hang from his body, nails will be driven through his hands and feet crushing his bones. His blood will spill out on the earth. I will send my perfect son to suffer for your imperfections.  Think about how his father felt knowing he would have to experience the death of his child to bring life to you and me. 

God raised his precious son from the grave to sit at the right hand of God the Father just as he promised. A father who endured the pain of a parent who has lost a child. He sent and watched his son die and then rise from the grave to join him for all eternity. A father, our father, who knows the pain and the ache intimately of losing a child. He also knows the overwhelming joy of being reunited with his son when he rose from the grave to reign in all of heaven and earth for eternity. 

Just like my broken, bloodied, bruised child, Christ died physically but is alive spiritually for all eternity. Those who are saved will only experience physical death. Those who are not will experience physical death, spiritual death and a second death of hell for all eternity. This mother’s heart thinks of the violent wreck, my sons broken physical body and his restoration to glory. No more tears, no more pain. Worshiping at the feet of Jesus.  I walk through this life anxiously awaiting my reunion with him never to be separated again. Chris was saved by grace, received by the angels in death and is worshiping at the feet of The Almighty. In this there is hope even as I battle the waves of paralyzing grief. 

Lord, let me and others that have experienced loss or the struggle of addiction, remember that you know our pain and struggles intimately. That you love us more than we can imagine. That we are to walk daily in your love sharing it with others that are broken just like we are. Bringing hope to those that feel so alone. Lord I lift other parents up to you who have lost their children. Bring them peace that passes understand knowing that they are not alone, that the God of the universe intimately understands their hurt and pain. May they give themselves a lot of grace through their journey of grief. 

#embracingthemess  #addiction #lossofason