I Just Can’t Remember

When Christopher died it felt like part of my brain died with him.  I could not remember anything.  I couldn’t focus.  I couldn’t recall words or read.  I couldn’t pray.

The only thing I was proficient at was lament and tears.  Since the tears never stopped I didn’t even bother wiping them from my face.

I did things like put my keys in the fridge and frozen food in the pantry.  I looked for my reading glasses when they were on my face and my phone while I was talking on it.  Ten trips back into the house to get something I forgot, like to put on deodorant or brush my teeth in some cases, became my new normal when I had to leave to go somewhere.

I found myself moving from one piece of furniture to the next accomplishing nothing and forgetting what I got up for in the first place.  The next day was a repeat of the day before, if I possibly managed to get out of bed.

I sincerely thought I was going crazy.  Then this fear crept in.  Since I thought I was losing my mind, I worried I would lose my memories.  It was all I had left of Christopher and I was terrified of forgetting.

Good news friends…First of all, you are not going crazy.  You have what I like to call grief brain.  Second of all, I didn’t forget and neither will you.  In fact, those memories are more vivid than ever.

I love to share stories of my son with others and I love hearing stories others share with me.

Maybe you feel that way too!  I would love to hear from you.

Much love,

Chrissy

If you would like to share a story of your child with me email it to info@firsttouchfamily.org

Sprinkles of Tiny Miracles

We headed into the new year like most, with great anticipation of new beginnings, do overs, start overs.  2021 unfolded with a bang and then the wave threw us back into the desert of loss and heartache.

We had walked through this desert frequently over the past ten years.  We knew the heat would feel intense and life would feel parched for a while. Then, all of a sudden, the stars twinkled in the sky and cleansing rain poured down our face?

It was one of those moments where God reminds us that even in our brokenness, He is good.  That even in the desert, He is present and hears our prayers. That regardless of our what our circumstance look or feel like, He desires to give us good gifts.

Since losing Ron and Chris, God has shown me over and over again, that there are always tiny miracles sprinkled in with the pain. The confusing, overwhelming, beautiful place where great joy and great grief collide.

In 2020, just as the world was shutting down from Covid, we lost a grandbaby.  Our tiny human we never got to touch and hold was held first by Jesus, Udi, Grandma B, Papa, Uncle Chris and so many others who have gone on before us.

Grief consumed our kids and overwhelmed all of our hearts.  A baby that will never be forgotten nor can it ever be replaced;

but then God…

Saw fit to sprinkle us with another tiny miracle. He gifted our family with life once more.  A gift that was an answer to prayer.

The excitement of the call that we were expecting a new little miracle grand baby in 2022.

A baby we now know is a little boy and will carry the name Weston Blake Cogdell through his life.

We recently celebrated this sweet miracle with family and friends.  Standing off to one side, I couldn’t help but feel God’s overwhelming grace and love.  Not only have we been gifted with a new grandbaby, but we inherited a beautiful daughter-in-love and her gracious, big, fun, loving family.

We have had many other sprinkles of tiny miracles along the journey of grief and healing.  This one happens to be one of my favorites.  This one and another sweet miracle baby that made me a great-aunt.  Kennedy Grace. I will tell you more about her soon! In the meantime, enjoy all this cuteness.

Weston Blake

Four generations

Mommy, Mimi and Weston

Kennedy Grace

All that cuteness❤️

Are you walking in the desert?  Can you find the tiny sprinkles of miracles along the way?

I would love to hear your story…share in the comments.

Much love,

Chrissy