Remnant

God often uses a small group of people to raise up an army. (Romans 11) I am not sure where I heard that, but I have been standing on this promise since God laid a vision for First Touch Family on my heart.  A non-profit, 501C3 organization that supports families of child loss from the first touch.  (Thank you Judge Mack, www.waynemack.org, for planting the the word “first touch” in my heart as I was doing my research and also for encouraging me to move forward.)

Overwhelmed??? Yep.

Scattered???  You might say.

Anxious???  At times.

Grateful???  Most definitely.

Wondering how I am possibly going to do this???  Frequently, but also reminding myself that so far I have survived child loss.

Praying to God and convinced He will raise up an army???  Minute by minute.

Thankful God doesn’t always call the equipped, he equips the called???  Absolutely.

When Chris died it became obvious to me how important it is to parents of child loss that their children are never forgotten. 

It is kind of like when you buy a new car and you never noticed how many others have the same car until you drive off the lot.  Then you notice EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.

For years after Christopher’s death, even when my brain was mush and could not hold a complete sentence in its space of grey matter, I feared forgetting.  

I feared others would forget.

I feared I would forget.

I feared Christopher’s life would eventually fade into the background as if he never lived.

I believe this is a fear that rises up in all of us when we experience loss of someone we love. Not just child loss.

I became hyper aware of all the fun runs, scholarships fund raisers, foundations created for child loss and memorial gatherings being held in memory of other children.

I had to hold myself back from the desire to run into that space myself.  Not that there's anything wrong with those things.  They are beautiful reminders of the lives of precious children now in Heaven.  I just knew, deep down, that was not how God wanted to use our story to keep Christopher’s memory alive.

My boy’s heart was in the trenches with the homeless, the outcast, the broken, the forgotten, the lost, just like his momma’s heart is.  I knew, whatever God was raising up, He would use Christopher’s life and death and my ashes in those spaces.

On a cellular level, I kept hearing God say, “I know you are fearful Christopher will be forgotten.  Your story is bigger than just keeping his memory alive.  It is about all parents who have lost a child and their fear of keeping their children’s memory alive. It is about their children too.  It is about building a community that brings healing in the broken spaces of hearts and lives.  It is about me and how your loss brings me glory. I need you to trust me.”

Really…”trust you God?  My life has been wrecked.  My first born baby is dead.  I know you had the ability to change the outcome.  Why God?  I am angry at you and the world around me, and you want me to trust you?” **(Note..if you know me well, you know I am not afraid of real, relevant and sometimes hard conversations…even with God.)

Over the next five years I struggled with guilt over not doing “all the things” and not creating new traditions that honored his memory throughout the year.  In those moments God continued to whisper to my heart “it is bigger, trust me.”  Even in my anger at God, I knew deep down that the beauty he was creating from Christopher’s death was so much more than I could imagine.

Learning to just take the next breath, live again, and lean into my healing journey became my priority.

As I wrestled with ideas in the wait, delicately holding the shattered pieces of my heart, my sweet husband continued to tell me “You will know.  God will reveal it when you are ready and his timing is right.”  What wisdom from a man who loves me well.

First Touch Family was born in my heart at the end 2021.  An organization that supports families of child loss from the first touch.  Our desire is to help parents and families of child loss find “beauty in the ashes” as they walk the lifelong journey of child loss.

Thanks to other momma’s of child loss, friends and family who have been willing to get in the trenches with me, encourage me and provide guidance and direction, I am now in a season of knowing and having a vision for how God wants to use Christopher’s life and death, his memory and my ashes.  How he wants to honor other children’s life and death and bring hope to other grieving families. 

A season of “reminding” God that I can’t do this on my own.  Reminding myself that God did not call me to do it on my own.  He is raising up an army, just like He did for the Israelites.

My heart's desire is to rest in the wait.  Focused on the next step.  Following where God would lead rather than trying to walk beside Him as he grows this ministry.

You may be walking in a season where God is calling you too and you are feeling overwhelmed, much as I am right now.  We often feel like it takes a lot of people to make a big impact or create change.

Remember in Romans 11 where Paul reminds the Romans that throughout history God has used a remnant (a small piece) to raise up an army. “So too, at this present time there is a remnant chosen by grace.” Romans 11:5

Keep going sister. 

Whatever God has laid on your heart, lean into the wait, take the next step.  Practice following behind God instead of trying to walk beside Him.

His plan is perfect.  There is a remnant that he is raising up as an army to equip you and your ministry for His Glory.

Much love,

Chrissy

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#prayer #healingjourney #hope #dreams #imissyou #saytheirname #beautifullybroken #beautyfromashes #godspromises #childlossawareness #healing #normalizinggrief