Collision of Grief and Gratitude
I woke this morning tired. It seems to be pervasive these days. We haven’t been home much since my big “50” birthday trip to Disney in February but we have had some wonderful time with our children and grandchildren over the past five months.
Three weeks with Jackson in PA, home for a week, Galveston for sisters wedding, home for a week, Rio Grande to help sister with surgery, then on to Denver for the birth of another grandbaby. Home for two weeks to enjoy the grandbabies next door and all the things…baby dedications, baseball tournaments, 1st and 2nd birthday parties, pool days, sleep overs, recitals, coffee dates and more.
I am sitting in the www.united.com airport lounge again waiting for my plane to carry me to Denver for more snuggles with my newest grandson and to see our boy and daughter in love and then off to Rehoboth Beach for my annual beach trip with another grandson, daughter in love and his other grandmother.
Tired is good when your heart is full. I smile and laugh a little more these days, but I carry my grief daily from the loss of my boy, Christopher. The tears surface a little easier in the tired but so does the gratitude.
Gratitude that got me up early this morning thanking God for the ability to get to my children and grandchildren. Ache not to be able to get to my oldest son, Christopher.
Gratitude for the full life God has given Blake and I. Ache that you are not here in all those moments.
Gratitude for all the beauty God has brought from our ashes. Ache remembering the ashes are from the day we lost you.
Friend, if you are walking through loss and particularly childloss, I know it feels like you will never see beauty again.
I promise you will, but you also will never forget the ashes that burned your world to the ground.
You will never be the same again, but you will survive. Your ache will live in the same space gratitude lives in. You will always see the ashes where you see the beauty.
Know that you are not alone.
You are seen, you are loved, this whole thing sucks and should have never been this way. I get it.
Maybe not today, maybe not for many years, but there will be tears and gratitude mixed in with your smile and your ashes. Your heart will swell and break all in one breathe forever more.
We will never get over our loss. We are not moving through grief to the other side of grief. The ache will hold on until we see our babies again in heaven.
You just do you sister and embrace your healing journey in the way that is best for you. There is no right or wrong way to walk this hellish journey.
Just know that God’s got you…even in the suck.
Much love,
Chrissy
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