Yet, Here We Are, Where Prayer Meets Surrender

I sat in the quiet of the old farm house.  A place that has become my home away from home.  The fields out the window covered in corn husk.  The light making shadows as it rose over the hillside. My bible open, my hot cup of coffee puffing steam into the cool of the morning.

I heard your little feet come down the stairs, across the floor.  Wrapped in your blanket you folded yourself into my arms. 

I held on tight.  Relishing the fact that you still love to curl up in my arms. Thinking of all the times your daddy had done the same thing as a child. 

Life looked so different then.  There was some innocence and freedom in what we didn’t yet know as young parents mixed in with some really hard times of trying to survive.  Treasures of sweet times tucked into pits of struggles.

The gift of being a grandparent restores so many of those moments.  Time slows in a way.  We finally realize that the dishes and laundry will still be there when the house goes quiet again.  Mimi has a different ring to it than “mommy, mommy” at the end of a long day.  Those naps/rest times our grandparents made us take in the afternoons really weren’t for us, they were for them and boy do I relish that time snuggled on the couch with my grandchildren.  Especially my little dancing princess that loves to snuggle at nap time and never misses an opportunity to tuck herself into my arms while the others are playing.

As I walked across the parking lot of the post office holding your little hand I wanted to remember every slow step, the warmth of your hand in mine, the “can I pick the “hotdog” Mimi”, a simple weed that was growing in the flowerbed.  The “I’m going to miss you Mimi, maybe you can come to London with me.”

It took me back to another time when your daddy was little and his feet moved so slow. When I didn’t have the patience or the time to stroll.  Life felt like a runaway train.  I longed to hold him again.  To hold his hand and lean into the stroll, a trait that he carried to the end of his days.  Never in a rush, seeming to take it all in with an attitude of it will still be there when I get there.  Almost missing my wedding to Ron because he forgot his tie.  That laugh, those bear hugs, all the momma, I love you’s, “it is going to be ok”. The look of adoration and love he gave your mommy when you were born.  The beaming smile of pride when he saw you for the first time.  All the hopes and dreams he had for you and his mommy, his little family.

Sweet, sweet memories.  All I have to hold onto these days.  

I felt the tears stream down my face.  It is not suppose to be this way.   Yet here we were.  Both of us holding on.  Trying to make sense of it all.

The emotions of gratefulness mixed with sorrow as I thought of your dad in heaven and how proud he would be of you today.  How proud he would be of your mommy.  How he would teach you all about Jesus and tuck you in to say your prayers.  How humble and kind he was.  How he cared so very much for the down trodden, the outcast, the forgotten.  How he loved to carry you on his shoulders through the quiet of the woods while he prayed and processed life.  How blessed we are to have you and to have the ability to spend quality time with you.  To teach you and help you grow.   To support your mom through our love as she works hard to provide a better life for the two of you.

I prayed for your earth dad, as I so frequently do, as my tears mixed with the worries of my heart.  Will he love your mom as Jesus loves us?  Will your mom pick him based on earthly values or heavenly values?  Will he love you as his own?  Will he teach you about Jesus?  Will he put your needs and your mom’s needs above his own?  Will he encourage you to follow your dreams?  Will he guide you with wisdom and tenderness?  Will he encourage our relationship with you as you grow?  Will he accept our love? Will he accept our love of your mommy and you?  Will he be a man of integrity like your B?  Will he teach you to be humble and kind?  Will he show you by example what it means to love your neighbor as yourself?

Then, through my tears, I surrendered it (again) at the feet of Jesus.  Knowing there is an army that has prayed for you and your mommy.  There is an army that has prayed for your earth dad.  The loss of your dad was not a surprise to God.  My worst day was actually your dad’s, my Christopher’s, best day.  The day he met Jesus face to face.  Free.  Free from the hurts of this world.  Free and made whole.  Your earth dad is not a surprise to God either.  God knows our hearts and our intentions even when we try desperately to hide them under the cloak of darkness.

I surrendered you to God, again, knowing I will pick back up the worry only to surrender you again and again.  Knowing that you are a seed of the righteous.  That nothing can thwart the plan of God.  That His plan is perfect.  That you were known before you were born.  That you were created on purpose for a purpose.  That you were God’s before you were ours. That you are covered under the shelter of the wings of The Almighty.  

You are so very loved.

Much love, 

Mimi