Check Yo Self Sister

“I don’t feel very grateful for this.”  There, I said it, but I could see the look of hurt staring back at me.  I couldn’t take it back, nor could I articulate where it came from in the first place.  I have SOOOO much to be thankful for!  I spent a few minutes stumbling around, trying to back pedal out of the impact but the damage was done. I spilled my disillusionment and tried to explain why I felt the way I did, but my words sounded hollow, even to my ears.  I stood a minute listening (or pretending to listen) to all I have to be grateful for.  Internally, I was trying to dismiss all the “grateful for” things so I could spend a little more time wrapped up in my warm blanket of self-centered pitifulness.

I jumped in my car and headed down the road to pick up some items for the homeless ministry from a lady in my area.  I did not know her well.  I met her briefly a couple of times, and liked her instantly, but did not give it much thought.  About a month ago she responded to a request I made for blankets and coats for the homeless ministry and yesterday, she sent a message she had some things for me to pick up.

I drove up and loaded up the donated items, really thinking that it would be a quick visit.  She invited me in and two hours later, as I drove back home, the echo of my words, “I don’t feel very grateful for this” poured over my head and brought me to my knees in repentance. I could hear God saying “you need to check yo self sister”.

Don’t you hate it when that happens?

When I sat down in her living room, I was still carrying my ungratefulness. She didn’t know that, but I sure did. As I began to share my story of loss, deception, and redemption, I realized I could not share one piece of it without sharing God’s grace and mercy.  Friend’s there was a time in the not so distant past, I felt so very hopeless and if I am truthful with myself and you, I still have those days sometimes.  Today though, as I was sharing, I heard myself telling of how God has protected us and provided for us.  How he has restored and strengthened some relationships and how he has removed toxic people and toxic relationships out of our life. How he has so beautifully orchestrated new relationships that have girded us up through our journey of loss and healing.

I can assure you, removing the toxicity out was not an easy challenge, even for God.  I hung on to those relationships for dear life!  I love big and I love hard.  If you are on the receiving end of my big love, you know I am not giving up without a fight.  I loved and cherished some of those relationships so much. Surely God was wrong, and they were not who they were revealed to be.  Disillusionment and despair became a constant companion.

Yesterday I wrote these words to a friend.  “God always moves people into our life when we need it.”  The truth is God also removes people from our life we are so desperately clinging to sometimes.  People that may be holding us back from the blessings God has in store for us. Toxicity that is so close we can’t see it.  Toxicity that we hang on to because it is what we know.  It is what feels familiar even if it is unhealthy for us.  

When I got home today, I received a beautiful message from my new friend about our visit with a devotional called “Redemption for Deferred Hope”.  At the end of that message were these words.  “I am so thankful I responded to your text about helping the homeless – God knew I needed you.”  Well, God knew I needed her too and he used her today to put this girl in check and to remind me of all I have to be grateful for.  He also used her to remind me he is working everything out for my good.

The loss of Chris is so very bitter, but the blessings from God have been so very sweet.

This is an excerpt from the Advent: The Journey To Christmas “Redemption for Deferred Hope”. “If you are facing deferred hope today, rest assured that God has redemption for this season and will bring about greater return than you can imagine.  Though you can’t see the purpose in it now, one day, you will.  Hold onto God’s promises!  Like Sarah, you will experience that, “A longing fulfilled is a tree of life.””

My story is a testimony of truth about the redeeming power of God and our family is walking in the fullness and with great expectation of a greater return that we could ever imagine. I’m not saying it is easy. I am not saying it has come without great loss and excruciating pain. What I am saying is that God’s promises are true. I am thankful for the reminder today that I have so very much to be grateful for.

Friend, God sees you in your broken.  He sees you hanging on for dear life.  He sees you when you don’t feel very grateful.  I encourage you to not take for granted that “chance encounter” or get so caught up in self-centered pitifulness, like I did this morning, you miss how God is moving.  Because He is moving.  He is in the details and he is working everything out for your good even in the suck. He is writing your broken story as a testimony of truth and redemption.  He wants to bless you with a greater return than you could ever imagine. 

Check yo self, sister. Can you see the redemption through your tears?  Can you find one thing today to be grateful for in the midst of your suck?

Much Love,

Chrissy