Wherever You Go.....There You Are

“Wherever you go, there you are.”

I am a “runner”...not in the literal, feet pounding the pavement sense.  Lord, no!  My self-destruction path does not look like sweating to the oldies, mid-summer, in the Texas heat.  The mere thought of sweat running down my neck and collecting in undesirable places makes me want to eat a half gallon of bluebell ice cream.  

My “running” looks much like a first class ticket to anywhere, a six-week drive across country, a cruise on the open seas.  My loss overwhelming and my desire to stop the excruciating pain set my feet and heart in motion. When my “running” began, a dear friend and mentor said to me “just remember my friend....wherever you go, there you are”.  Inwardly I’m thinking “really, I sure was hoping to “run” and not find all of my baggage waiting for me at the finish line”.

The reality is, my baggage: the hurt, pain, and loss are not cured by my “running”.  For me, it has been a form of self-preservation.  When I can’t handle the hurt, if I run, I can pretend there is no hurt.  I can pretend that Chris will be home to welcome me when I return. I can pretend that his death has been a horrible nightmare.  I trick my mind and heart into believing he is not gone.  I breathe in for a moment. 

My “running” started with the loss of my husband.  I ran like hell in search of peace and understanding. When my son Chris died my “running” was magnified and in my self-destructive state, I find myself not even caring sometimes if it leads me to financial ruin.  I just want the pain to stop.  My adventures keep my mind and body busy.  They make me feel like I am “running” toward healing every time I “run”.  If I am real about the situation, I have a tendency to “run” from God when I am hurt as well as run from reality.

I guess I should be super grateful God has not sent a whale to swallow me up in order to get my attention and remind me that I am His.  I’m not sure I would feel very grateful in the belly of a whale.  Talk about refocusing your mind and heart.  Fish guts, stomach bile and, Oh Lord, the smell!!  I’m sure Jonah’s situation did not look like those childhood bible story pictures depicting his story.  I feel like the situation would be a horror movie.  

Jonah was a “runner” too. He was running from God and God’s desire and purpose for his life.  In so many ways as I run from the pain, I, like Jonah, run from God.  I run...

•     Angry at God: questioning how a loving God could take my child leaving my grandson without a father.
•     Hopeless: wondering if God sees me or hears me?  Will the pain ever end?
• Loneliness

I often turn inward to self instead of outward to God. 

In spite of Jonah’s predicament, he still believed in God’s character. He knew he had been disobedient but he also knew God to be a God full of mercy, love, and grace. “In my distress, I called to the Lord, and he answered me.  From deep in the realm of the dead, I called for help, and you listened to my cry.” Jonah 2:2. “But you Lord brought me up from the pit”.  Jonah 2:6

I am running again today as I write this.  My head knows God is faithful and will bring healing, but my heart, shattered into a million pieces, is not sure.  I know when I land in Alaska “there I will be”.  The hurt, pain, anger, depression, joy, and gratefulness packed neatly in my carry-on ready to be unpacked.  I will once again be praying that for this short time I can redirect my head and my heart to see the beauty of God’s creation and His power, grace, and mercy. I will again pray that this is the trip that will help me start to heal.

Are you a runner?  Do you, like me, hop a plane, train or automobile going anywhere, trying to outrun the pain only to find out “Wherever you go, there you are?”  Are you running from God out of anger and hurt? I believe that all of us have times in our life that we run.  I am having to intentionally practice running to God with my pain and disappointments instead of running to self-destruction and self-pity.  I know that part of that is due to the loss of my child, but I also recognize that part of that is due to my “daddy” issues (stay tuned😉).  You would think as a Christian running toward God should be a no-brainer but my sinful humanness often runs a hundred miles an hour away from God.  It makes no sense, I know, but for me, I have to accept it as my reality as God continues His work in me.

Since Chris died, I find it much easier to throw the hurt and blame at God and use it as an excuse to keep him at a distance rather than stand on His promises that He loves us, He does care, and we are not alone.

My desire is that my “wherever you go” and your “wherever you go” would always be into the shelter of the Almighty and my “there you are” and your “there you are” would follow.  God wants us to “run” to Him, not self-destruction and self-pity.

Father, I lift up those that are walking through this season of life crippled by hurt, despair, loss, and loneliness. As a child of yours, I still question “why me God?”, “will the pain ever end?”, will my grief destroy me?”  I know there are others walking the same journey.  Please let them know they are not alone and that they are heard.  Remind them that God’s plan is to prosper them, not harm them.  Please, Father, whisper to their hearts as you do mine. Let them know that when the waves roll in, and they feel they are drowning you are still God and you ARE good.

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