The Dance of a Grieving Mother’s Heart
This is a prayer I wrote in my journal 11/8/2017 It is still relevant today.
Lord as my heart continues to break for my own loss and for the loss so many others are experiencing, I pray that I would always be reminded that you bring beauty from ashes. That you are a God of compassion that knows our deepest hurt and brokenness. That you make all things new. May the broken pieces of my heart expand my capacity to give and love. May I love with abandon, without fear of more heartbreak and hurt, knowing this life will bring more loss but reassured that it will also bring abundant joy. Thank you, God, for your patience with me as you continue to push me out of my comfort zone kicking and screaming. Thank you for your gentle nudge as I try to protect a heart I am so fearful will never mend and if broken again, I may never recover from. Thank you for your reminder of the sacrifice of your son because you first loved me and how vulnerable, risky and messy that is. Forgive me for my lack of trust as you remind me that you hold me in the palm of your hand and that you, God, work all things for the good of those who love you.
My husband and I recently visited the home of another family that is experiencing the devastating loss of a child. This tragedy is the third loss of a child (young man) in two and a half months. I can’t help but marvel at the faith these families have and I wonder “how would we possibly walk through this without a hope for tomorrow” a faith and assurance of eternity. How do those that don’t know Jesus survive the pain? I can only face tomorrow knowing that because my son was saved by grace and I am saved by grace, we will be reunited again. That assurance competes for a place in my heart that is utterly and devastatingly broken. An open wound that is raw and so tender even the slightest breeze is painful. I don’t believe, as some say, that we get over our loss with time. While I have a hard time putting into words this dance of the heart, I will attempt to bring it to life for others that are hurting and hopefully for those that are trying to support those hurting.
In our loss, our feelings are raw. We have a hard time relating to the world as a whole. We want to be happy for you and celebrate milestones with you but your joy brings us so much pain. This is no fault of yours. It is just the journey of loss we are learning to walk. We love your children and grandchildren so very much, but their ballet recitals, graduations, 100 days of school pictures bring us sorrow. Sorrow that sits next to great joy for you and your children as we encourage you, pray for you and support you and your children. I say this with painful honesty but also beg you not to deny us that joy for fear of it bringing us pain. It is our healing journey. We need to see that there is life beyond the grave and your children, grandchildren and milestones, although painful, do bring glimpses of hope.