Finding Joy in the Midst of Grief

My husband and I were on our way home from a wonderful weekend with friends and family when we stopped off at the cemetery.  I sat there, as I frequently do, almost paralyzed by overwhelming grief.  The scripture, "My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is,"(Lamentations 3:17) resonates with my heart.  My eyes take in the beautiful old oaks, the sounds of birds and the smell of damp earth.  I sit wondering, as I have a million times, why the life of my beautiful son had been cut short and the purpose behind everything that followed. I thought to myself “how I am supposed to go on?”  A question that is not new to me.  The ache of my heart and arms hurt so much I want to lay down and disappear into the moist soil. My emotional pain inflaming the nerve endings in my body causing physical pain and I cannot seem to find relief from either.  

I am grateful for the weekend and the interlude of “normal”. Although I would be hard pressed to tell you what “normal” is anymore.  Maybe, those times my subconscious pushes my loss to the back of my mind and I can live in the moment.  Even after two and a half years those interludes are few and far between.  I wake many days in a fog hoping it has all just been a bad nightmare. Questions tumble around in my brain. Should I be doing more? Will this veil ever lift?  If joy comes in the morning; how am I to find joy in my mourning? (Psalms 30:5)

Like those of you walking in grief, it feels as if most of the time I am positioned in space between heaven and earth not really living in either.  I try desperately to stay in an attitude of gratitude for all I still have.  I will my heart, mind and feet to stay planted on earth. I feel like a prize fighter beating back his enemy as I fight to keep joy down deep in my heart and my despair under control.   If I am honest with you, at times I have experienced the desire to lean into anything that might dull the pain and have frequently prayed for death, but by the grace of God, He has covered me and protected me from myself. I cling desperately to God’s promises and sovereignty as I hang off a cliff by a fraying rope over the deepest crevasse in the Grand Canyon.  My hands bleeding and shredded by the rope.  That frayed rope, the only thing that keeps me connected to this world. I know God is good.  I know He loves me.  He promises me he will bring beauty from my ashes but still I struggle to find joy in the midst of my trials. So many nights I snuggle in next to my little grandson, both of us weeping and at times shaken by wracking sobs as he asks “Mimi, why did my daddy have to die? Mimi, why did my daddy have to be in a car wreck? Mimi, why did my daddy have to go be with Jesus.”  My sorrow overwhelms my soul. The words won’t come as we lay shattered and bruised. I can only hold him a little tighter, sing a little longer and cry out to God to protect his little mind, heart and soul from the bitterness and sorrow that death can bring. I pray for God to give me the wisdom and words to teach him about his Heavenly Father who loves him and will never leave or forsake him.

If you haven’t already, you will certainly deal with some type of loss in your lifetime. Loss of the people you love, sometimes in physical death, and sometimes, God just removes people from your life for your growth and healing, but in the moment, even that loss is painful. We experience loss of hopes and dreams, loss of relationships, loss of our identity and in our deepest places of grief, we can even experience loss of our will to live. Those times are painful.  They steal our breathe, crush our spirit, bruise our soul.  As much as it hurts, I can tell you with certainty, there is nothing that can drive us into a deeper relationship with Christ or deeper compassion for others than personal loss, heartache and trials if we allow it. It forces our dependence on God allowing us to release control. Release of control unleashes God’s power and provision in our life.  It gives us the compassion of Christ and commonality or connection with others that are hurting. It forms a larger platform for discipleship.  None of us desire to experience the hurts of this world, but the reality is, we are a broken world and a broken people. Like it or not, God sometimes allows us to walk through suffering and trials for His glory, to further His Kingdom, and for our own good.  I know that is hard to hear when you are walking in despair or facing trials. I frequently say “Really God?  This doesn’t feel good. It is not what I had planned for my life, it is not what I envisioned for my children and the truth is, I am finding it really difficult to find joy in the midst of it.  Will joy will ever be mine again?” 

I love John Pipers definition of joy:  Christian joy is a good feeling in the soul, produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world. Well, there you go…that must explain it!  There is nothing that feels good about the journey I have been walking.  But wait a minute he goes on to say it is produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.  I began to really ponder that and James’ instruction to us to consider it pure joy when we face trials because trials produce perseverance and perseverance matures us and makes us complete so that we will lack NOTHING. Trials reveal the essence and power of the Almighty like nothing else in our life can.  Trials grow our faith and make us wise.  They refine us for eternity.

How do we put that into practice?  How do we consider it all joy when we are walking in the midst of trials and heartache?  I have learned through my own great heartache that my praise and thanksgiving are directly linked to my joy. I must “choose joy”.  I must set my heart and mind on all I have to be thankful for, not all I have lost.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Phil 4:8. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. Col 3:2. I must be intentional in seeking the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world even when I don’t feel joyful. Sometimes that looks like simply saying “Lord thank you for my bed and this dark place to hide.”

Choosing joy does not mean I don’t experience deep grief and sorrow.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t go into those deep dark places of mourning. But what it does mean is that I must not stay there and neither should you.  Allow God to draw you out of the darkness and into the kingdom of light by being receptive the Holy Spirit and submerging yourself his word. I know this all seems great in theory and even as I write this,  I’m on my knees saying “God, I can’t think about anything.  I am numb from the hurt.  I feel as if I am losing my mind. And God says “I see you.  I’ve got this.  I’ve got you.  Lean in. Release your control.  Draw on my power. Be still and know that I am God. I will work ALL things for your good.  ”

When you are in the depths of despair and hurt, I challenge you to dig in and remind yourself of who God is, his attributes and his promises. He will never leave you nor forsake you.  His love endures forever. The angels intercede on your behalf.  God sent his son to spare us from the depth of the pit of hell.  He sent his son as the ultimate ransom.  I pray your flesh and faith will be renewed like a child’s and that you will be restored as in the days of your youth.  I pray you will choose joy in the midst of your pain. He loves you. He cares for you. He sees your tears and hears your cries. You are not alone.