Joy In The Mourning

I have to admit I’ve been pretty weepy and sometimes it leads me straight into the real ugly cry.  Damp eyes, the slow roll of tears down my face then **BAM*** I am a sobbing, snotty heap laying in the middle of a cold, damp floor.   A wail escapes that echos off the tile. This is my new normal.

I have wept in worship, hands lifted high, when that song came on that touched my soul and reminded me I am loved and I am seen in my greatest joy and my deepest hurt.  

I have wept when I think of how my sweet husband has loved me with an unconditional, selfless love that mirrors Jesus so beautifully.  A love I have desperately needed through some really, really hard times.  A love that has remained consistent and strong even when I am not very lovable.

I have wept when I look in the mirror and see the dimples of my first born baby staring back at me.  What a joyous day it will be to see those dimples again in heaven.   FaceTime with your boy reminds my heart that God knows exactly what we need and he longs to give us good, good gifts that bring great joy even in the midst of great heartache.

I wept with heartache after my Make A Wish interview that included a dad with your name.  He looked so much like you.  The texture of his hair, the wide forehead, those eyebrows....my tears quickly turned to tears of joy as I wept over that sweet little guy that we were interviewing for a wish.  So full of life and joy!  As he dug through his toy box for the perfect dinosaur I could see you as a little boy playing with your toys in the floor in a cloud of baby powder that lay so thick on the carpet the vaccum cleaner bogged down.  I dreamt of the man you would be today. 

I have wept with a deep ache in my soul for the challenges and hurt some of my friends are facing.  I have wept for the journey of loss and the journey of healing they are facing.  I have wept with joy and gratitude as I watch God show up over and over again in those places of deep hurt and sorrow.

I have wept for the joy of new life when I saw their little bodies on the ultrasound pictures for the first time.  I have wept for the blessings of grandchildren.  They are my crowing glory.

I have wept when that song comes on that reminds me of my middle baby playing outside with his tractor in the mud, in his rubber boots that had been partially eaten by the dog.  He refused to wear the new pair I bought. Not a care in the world. Tears of pure joy when I think of the man, husband and father he is today.

I have wept when the daily phone calls come from my youngest son. Overflowing joy for the growth he has displayed through his own journey and how he loves his momma.

I have wept when I thought of the young man God chose to gift us with as our own.  Such joy in watching him bloom into the man God created him to be as a husband and father.

I have wept for joy at the gift of inherited children that I get to watch and sometimes encourage as they navigate this journey through life.

I have wept when my phone pings and opens up to pictures that are sent by my daughters in love of my grandchildren or the stories that they share about what is going on in the grandchildren’s lives.  I have wept in gratitude for daughters in love that love me well.  I have wept because I am so thankful they value me in their lives and the lives of their children.  I am so thankful they value me as the mother of their spouses. The gratitude, joy and longing settle into the same space in my heart.

These days I’m ok with the damp eyes, the slow roll of tears down my face, finding myself sobbing, a snotty heap laying in the middle of a cold, damp floor. My wails no longer startle my dogs or my family. They simply show up to love me.

What I have learned from your death is that great love brings great heartache and great joy. I am learning better how to embrace the heartache and joy. I am learning how to allow great grief to live in the same space as great joy. Space in the heart of a momma that loves big and has lost big.

Weeping may come for the night friend but joy does comes in the mourning.

Much 💕,

Chrissy