Drumroll….”Thank you Adam and Eve”
“Your son is dead.” I looked around in disbelief. Could this really be my life? My hopes and dreams lay in a heap of ashes at my feet mixed with my tears. At the time, I had no idea how I would take the next breath nor did I have a clue about secondary loss…but we will save that for another day.
Did I do something to cause this? Is this God’s way of paying me back for my broken choices. For all the times I rebelled instead of following His direction?
You may be thinking this too. In fact, when I sit with families of child loss, this subject comes up frequently.
We replay and examine E-V-E-R-Y single thing we said and didn’t say. We scrutinize E-V-E-R-Y single thing we did or did not do.
There was a belief in Jewish culture that if something bad in your life happened it must be because there was great sin in your life.
Can you hear the church lady whispering in the corner? Not gossiping of course, just sharing so others can pray with her. “Do you think it is the sins of the father?” “I know him and …well you know. Bless her heart.”
Yes, sin can have an intergenerational impact. Do I believe though that God took our children to punish us? No I don’t. Did it feel like punishment when Chris died and for many years after? Yes it did.
Let me share the story of the blind man. John 9:1-3
The Bible says that this man was blind from birth. The Rabbi assumed that the blind man or his parents sin caused him to be born blind.
Jesus said “Neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
I contemplated this story as I have analyzed and questioned God about my own loss. As I have wailed, cussed and discussed my loss of Chris with God.
Friend, God is not using the death of our child/ren to punish us. Perhaps like the blind man, our loss happened so that the works of God might be displayed. Couldn’t God use something else to display His glory? Why my son? Why your son/daughter? I wish I had those answers. Do I like it? No. Did I get a vote. No.
I do know that God is good even in the suck. We live in a broken world. A world where good decisions are not always rewarded and bad decisions are not always punished.
Where sometimes good men die and bad men thrive. Where suffering strikes the innocent.
Drum roll….”Thank you Adam and Eve”…said with extreme sarcasm.
If there was no suffering, there would be no dependence on God. We would lean on our own understanding and ways which are ruled by human emotion and the brokenness of mankind. We would not have the promise of Heaven. If He saved us from suffering, God would be our puppet not our savior.
God’s ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. We do not know the reason our children were called home but we can be assured that God is in the details and He will be glorified and honored through the death of our children.
God grows us through trials and tribulations. Personally I would have preferred my growth happen another way, but it is my reality.
I know it hurts. I know there are days you wish you could crawl in that hole with your baby. I know the tears just won’t stop. I know the ache in your chest feels like an elephant is sitting in the middle of it. Your exhaustion so heavy you are doing good just put your feet on the floor.
One day I realized that even if God told me why, it would not ever be good enough. It would not lessen my pain so I had to practice releasing the “why”.
I want to encourage you, if only for a moment to try releasing, “Why God”, and try “Give me strength for the moment and teach me what you would have me know while I walk through this valley.”
My heart hurts with you friend. I am walking through the valley along side you. I need you to know that there is HOPE in the valley.
Much love,
Chrissy