Out of no where, March 21, 2016, a 50 ft wave sucked me under and the pull of the ocean has called to me ever since. The death of my first born son. Christopher Parrish Barrow. Ten days before his son’s first birthday. This child has become a ray of sunshine in the dark. My husband, Blake, my children and sweet grandbabies have kept me tethered to shore. Chris was 25 years old. Killed in a car wreck on his way to school that morning. Was it from his drinking the night before? Had he been up all night and fallen asleep at the wheel? Did someone cross the line and he over corrected? Was there an animal in the road? Was he driving too fast? Only God knows those answers.
Loss like no other I have ever experienced. Battered and bruised by the ocean floor. No air left in my lungs. Praying, praying that I would not survive the wave and could enter eternity and heaven with my son. My body numb, my heart shattered and like Job asking “Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than hidden treasure”. Job 3:20-21 Even after five years that wave still pulls me under and paralyzes me at times. The harsh reality is I am having to learn how to live all over again. I have acquiesced to the fact that this will likely be a life long process for me. Tears, brain fog, sleepless nights and the ache in my soul.
The beauty of our Lord and Savior is that He knew it was not time for me to meet Him face to face. He knew my other children and grandchildren needed me. He also knew I needed them. He knew my work on earth for His kingdom was not yet done. So, instead of answering my prayer to die and be with Him in Heaven, He draws me into the shelter of His wings. “Whoever dwells in the shelter of The Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty”. Psalm 91:1.
Last year, I was again trying to make sense of my grief and loss and when I came across this scripture in Philippians 1:19-26. I had read it many times before but it took on a whole new meaning. “for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.
Ugh…although this resonated with me it really was not what my heart wanted to hear. The truth is I have in no way faced my suffering with eagerness or hopeful expectation. There were and still are long dark days I long to depart rather than stay. This scripture is saying that my suffering is for God’s gain? That my suffering is for my gain? That my suffering furthers the Kingdom of God? Here I am, after 11 years of loss on so many levels, distraught and feeling hopeless, yet because of the prayers of my friends, family and strangers and God’s provision of the Holy Spirit all of my loss and hurt will be my deliverance?
Through the hurt and the healing I have wrestled with God on this. How can this be true when the ache of my heart never ends. My reality is I just want my baby boy back. I can testify that this scripture ring true in my healing journey. I also can tell you that just because it is true my grief is no less, my heart aches no less, my human emotions are still real and raw. I’m not “OVER IT” so please quit whispering “when will she be over it” I can see it in your eyes, I can hear it in the well meaning questions. No scripture or cliche can fix it. Only God and his grace can heal it. I will never be over it. The love of a mother never dies. My relationship with my child is just as important today as it was before he took his last breathe. I am still his mom and he is still my son.
Where this scripture is living and breathing in my life is that my loss has created a greater thirst for God’s word and a deeper dependence than I have ever experienced. It has helped break so many of the chains of co-dependency in my life. It has been the only place I have truely found peace and joy. I have grown exponentially in my faith over the last eleven years. It has set my eyes on what really matters. Today, I’m “Thinking Eternity” like never before. Setting my eyes on things above, not on earthly things. (Colossians 3:2). I know that my reward is in heaven for eternity. I constantly have to call on God for “sufficient courage” so that “Christ will be exalted.” I know that to die and live with Christ is far better than what this world has to offer and I frequently “desire to depart and be with Christ” but what I am also certain of is, although my heart is still broken and bruised and most days I still don’t want to venture out of the safety of the covers on my bed, God is not finished with me yet.
Year five and I still sit here with tears streaming down my face wondering what is next and how I will face tomorrow, but for now, I know that I am to remain “and continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,” so that hopefully, through my transparency and heartache “your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me”. Our purpose on earth is for God’s ultimate pleasure and to further His Kingdom. As much a I hate to admit it, it is not about acquiring that new pair of shoes I have been eyeing for months. You will soon learn that shoes are a real problem for me, but for now I justify it by telling myself they will take me in style as I “go” for God’s Kingdom.
Today, my prayer looks more like David’s “From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” Psalm 61:2-4. “God is close to the broken-hearted and those who are crushed in spirit”. Psalm 34:18 “Taste and see that He is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him”. Psalm 34:8
God I lift my my hands in surrender as my knees hit the ground. I cry out on behalf of myself and all of those who are being sucked under the waves by the oceans current. Those that are fighting the battle of giving up and giving in. Lord you know their hurt and their pain. Wrap them in the cocoon of your unconditional love and shelter them under your wing. Remind them Lord that they are loved, they are heard, they are seen. Draw them to you and give them peace when they feel battered by the waves. Remind them that their purpose through all of the pains of life is to live in obedience and service to you. The maker of heaven and earth. Yahweh. In Jesus Name.
Have you encountered a 50 ft wave in your life? If so, how have you learned to cope or are you still being sucked under the wave feeling battered by the ocean?
Much Love,
Chrissy